Faux-Poor Poorbetch Gaming Special

And it's not always fun time and fancy free with Uncle Stype. No sir! I've been up to my gills with stuff I need to do, like cleaning my room and meaningfully contributing to society and crap. Twenty-one years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope. For a destination. So in an almost disappointingly mature financial decision, I've decided to not buy games until I can secure my income, and be mindful of my purchases afterwards, since my girlfriend's education and my occasional consumption of food is more important in the long run.

So as is many mature decisions embarked by the weak of brain, spirit, and upper-body, my self-restraint wears thinner every day. It's embarrassing to admit, despite my criticisms of consumerism and materialism, I never quite got out of the "easily manipulated five year old" slot of commercial targeting. Dangle any old trailer in front of my face, and nine times out of ten, I'm going to get excited about the game anyway. And with the dust of E3 settling and everyone prepping up for the third-and-fourth quarter glut of game releases, I've been driven to drooling over bits of polycarbonate like a street urchin smearing their nose fog all over the windows of the village jerky shop.

But I am an artist. And if there are two things that artists are good at doing, it's explaining theory before actually sitting down and making something, and channeling misery into art. And I am an artist who works for you, dear friends. So, in my sage and wisdom, let me pass to you the gems of my salivation. I have presented but a small handful of games that, for whatever reason (mostly likely procrastination), have piqued my interest. You get a little guidance through the treacherous land of jayarpeegees, and I get to hear myself talk. So to my wisdom!

Final Fantasy XIII-2

Release Date: Winter 2012

Final Fantasy is the series that's in vogue to trash talk these days, but in this betch's humble opinion, it's not entirely deserved. You have to admire a company that has the integrity/balls/fatalism to go and do something else entirely every single time, frequently flying in the face of genuine success in the process. Maybe it's fatalistic, maybe it's a bad business move in today's gaming economy, but I admire the old horse for it.

That aside, I concede it is becoming the Disney of games. FF has become so big that it's become a task just to keep it's inertia rolling, let alone creating unique games while appeasing it's gargantuan media circus. Development times that are starting to push half a decade a pop, giving their fans plenty of time to sharpen their sticks on how this is not like the game they loved, when the game they love is supposed to be not the game they love by design the next time the bus rolls into town.

But despite being the latest edition to the controversy conga line proceeding X, I actually liked XIII. I wouldn't name my kid after it, but the characters and their relationships were wonderful, the world were colorful and interesting, and despite its flaws (which are numerous) it was still a lot of fun. And so I'm honestly excited for its sequel just out of wanting to see it's fully realized potential. Maybe it's a sham that I have to pay an extra half a Franklin just to see all the loose ends of my story tied up, but I'll give square a chance. There are games that have cut me deeper. Not naming any names Fire Emblem Radiant Dawn.

But there are a few things that are already starting to piss me off though. Who the hell is this? No, seriously, who the hell is this ponsy little brat? Why did you go take Yuna, turn her into a dude, and somehow make her less butch? I mean I've got no beef against generic prettyboys, but I do have a beef with why the hell Lightning is not the protagonist. You promised she was going to be the protagonist twice Square. I really don't want to play the "girl" card in all of this, but are you scared of putting a lady in the big chair? This is the third game in a row where you've had a female secondary character with a stronger tie to the plot than the actual protagonist.

That, and the soundtrack seems off to me. It's prequel's orchestral music was really, really pretty, but it was unnecessarily grandiose, and wasn't memorable enough to really do it for me. But I think Square hit the u-turn too hard. We've got rapping. In a Final Fantasy game. Don't get me wrong, from what I've heard, the music sounds great. It's. Oh, honey. Just no.

So yes, the majority of my complaints are not having an awesome female protagonist and a sucky soundtrack. It feels a little too true to my character. I feel exposed, somehow.

Aw, but all that aside, I'm still excited. There's not a lot of details out there as to what the story's going to be like, but it's already pushing into mind screw territory. And I'm down with that. The battles seem to be fine-tuned to be a bit more interactive, there's a lot more freedom to the world maps, and we finally have the much complained for HD towns. All I've wanted was a tightened version of the original, and it looks like what it's going to be. I'm not sure what they're trying to do, but you've got me interested, Square. Don't let me down now.

Catherine
Release Date: July 26th, 2011

If there's one thing I've learned from popular culture, it's to not cheat on your girlfriend when weird-ass magic crap's going down. Take the case of Vincent Brooks, loser white boy classic, whose girlfriend of five years, Katherine, suddenly drops the arriage-may bomb. To celebrate, he freaks out, gets wasted, and meets Catherine, a girl who looks about fifteen, walks around in a bra and nighty, and proceeds to puts the moves on him (also, media has taught me to never pursue what is basically a younger, sexier version of your girlfriend who you're on the rocks with).

So one thing leads to another, and Vincent ends up sleeping with Catherine. And then he turns on the news the next day, and learns he's done all this while there's been a rash of unexplained and gruesome deaths of every loser white boy in the district. Right he starts having really intense and symbolic nightmares. D'oh!

Gotta say, I was hooked on this the second I got the details. The developers seem to be trying to pull something of a mashup of Heavy Rain, Silent Hill 2, and Ico. And stranger still is that from what I can see, it's totally working. The game sound intense, man. Gameplay and story look so buddy-buddy that you almost have a hard time calling it a game. But it does seem to be striving for a high level of immersion and, like Heavy Rain, making everything you do in the game count. And I can't see anything but an interesting result, especially from the Megaten team. And the actual gameplay doesn't sound like it's for sissies.

The switch between the gritreal world and the nightmare puzzle world looks smooth and aesthetically pleasing. I put part of it on the game tight gameplay/story ratio, part on the fact that this is the first 3-D game developed by Atlus that actually looks good. Shigenori Soejima's art style is tragically difficult to render, and as can be seen in the Persona series, the game can really suffer for it. But with Atlus's first stab at high definition finally manages to do it justice. Combine that with what's shaping up to be a great soundtrack, phenomenal localized voice acting (Laura Baily, Troy Baker, and Liam O'Brian? Sign me up for the next war), and the dev team's reputation of melding the creepy with the cool, it feels like we finally get to see what Atlus can do with the tools to fully realize it's vision.

And despite being the classic setup of the paragon of virtue girlfriend versus the exciting sexy temptress girlfriend, it looks like it's going to be handled with an actual sense of maturity (for once). I think this may be the only game I've seen that attacks the issues and morality behind sex, sexuality, and relationships head on, instead of being an "edgy" flavor to story structure, or to bring the audience in through titillation (well, not intentionally anyway. Well, not often). I have no doubt the team can handle it, despite the fact that is shaping up to be a very uncomfortable game. These are the same guys who made Persona 4, and made a rainbow-colored stripper with a satellite for a head a legitimate representation of repressed sexuality. They've earned our trust, bro.

So, interesting premise, good presentation, reputable team, great VA cast, shiny graphics, and a general intent of going out and doing something different. What more can you want, right? A lot of companies are being picky when choosing games to localize as of late, so to whoever at AtlusUSA made the call on this one, may I say that you are to be praised on hands and knees. Should everything go well, I think this is the first of the newbie games I'll pick up once I get a little more cash (maybe a good way to celebrate actually getting a job/apartment, n'est pas?). Besides, if I pre-order now, I can get my very own pair of big boy underwear!

ICO and Shadow of the Colossus Remastered

Release Date: September 27th, 2011

If you have to sell your own legs to get this game, and the pay doesn't include anesthesia and the only tools of removal available is your neighbor's border collie, you still will have made the best purchase of your life. You are obliged, as a sentient creature, to buy this game. I have no doubt that this game will, somehow, be involved with The Rapture. Admittedly, I haven't played ICO yet, but here's me crying over the fact that I have to play it in gorgeous high-definition back to back with probably the best game in the universe made by the same team as the aforementioned best game in the universe. THE BEST GAME IN THE UNIVERSE. There might be a better game out there, somewhere, but it's probably good in the same way James Joyce is considered a genius and Dan Savage is considered a legitimate advice columnist. And it's probably in French. And on the Dreamcast.

I can't think of a game more deserving of a remaster, and from the looks of it, the collection was given a lot of love in its redefinition. From what I've read on Jack Gaskill's blog, they broke their backs making sure that every single detail was polished to perfection, even adding a few much-needed visual effects to keep everything consistent on next-gen software. I tragically can't speak for ICO, but going by what screens I've seen, it's shaping up to be a sexy beast too. No small thanks goes to Team ICO's brilliance when it comes to detailed minimalist graphics in their original, but it's shaping up to be one of the best games you can get for this gen's console when it comes to breathtaking aesthetics.

For those of you who like bangs and whistles, the game will also have full 3-D support and trophies, on top of all else. 3-D is excellent bro, but I'm not sure what I think about the trophies. If you're playing this game for the achievements, there's something wrong with you. Period. And something about their inclusion almost feels a little gimmicky or insulting, like dumping ketchup on authentic Italian cuisine. Hell if that will stop me from getting every single one though.

I feel like I've told you nothing about the game proper, as I've wasted spit on nothing but describing remastering. But honestly, I have a hard time exactly describing either of these games. It's not because either of them are bad or weird, far from it. It's as if the thematic and story execution are a lot more primal, almost essential to the human condition. It makes it hard to measure it's exact literary merits, especially only in quantum terms of symbolism, common motifs, or literary mechanics . It's just. It's beautiful. They act as simple existences within themselves, and yet something about both seem grand, almost cosmic or spiritual about them. However you feel about my tastes, take my advice when I say that you're doing yourself a favor when you buy this game.

And now that we've gotten the definite drools out of the way, here's a small sampler of other games that will undoubtedly be good, but I place a more cautious sort of optimism on. Let's give them a look.

Dragon's Crown
Release Date: Spring 2012

Pros:

* It's Vanillaware
* It's Vanillaware's animation
* It's Vanillaware's animation in 1080 p

Cons:

* The Amazon's ass cheek is larger and with more contour definition than her face

* Story might be chilling out for this addition

* 2D animation + 3D navigation space = sad times

Skull Girls

Release Date: Late 2011

Pros:

* The world's shaping up to have a good balance of strange, self-referential, and sincere

* Vibrant and colorful art style

* Lots of girls kicking ass

Cons:

* High chance of Strong Female Characters

* Appears to be America's take on 90% of everything wrong with Anime

* A panty fighter? In 2011? U srs?

Final Fantasy Type-0

Release Date: TBA?

Pros

* Probably the most intense story the series has seen in a while

* Good variety of characters to play from

* PSP graphics look fantastic

Cons

* So much data to run that it may break your PSP

* Gainax ending all but inevitable

* Jayzus Squeenix, of all people, you can afford to export

Valkyria Chronicles 3: Unrecorded Chronicles

Released Date: TBA?

Pros

* Story and battle system have been fine-tuned from previous installments

* Character models no longer look like different heads sewn on the same body

* Latest entry to the rising star of JRPGs

Cons

* SCREW YOU SEGA

* SCREW YOU AND YOUR SUCKY MARKETING STRATEGIES