Alright, neither of us can run away from this any longer. Welcome back, you poor, brave fools, to another episode of Fanbetch Reviews! Even I hold reservations in tackling this episode. You would think that I would revel in reviewing this episode; this show is already the compact, distilled version of everything wrong with schoolyard anime, and in this episode, it has distilled everything bad about itself and extended it for about twenty one and a half minutes. So you would think I have hit the snark jackpot. And I have.
But oh, for a muse of fire! I am humbled, almost bewildered, by what this show has given me next. It will take every single ounce of my current skill, and indeed, probably summing up more from the depths of my developing mind, in order to truly express just how pugnaciously idiotic this episode is. But despite my initial putting off, and misgivings, and outright reluctance and premature feelings of defeat, I'm here. I'm taking this on.
And now, I proudly present to you the fifth installment of School Days. Now with MAX ASS.
Man, if you thought that Taisuke or the camera were anywhere close to insufferable before this point, then this episode is going to be the ten-ton anvil that broke the camel's back. I admittedly don't have a list of the most sexist things I've seen in media portrayals, but if I did, Taisuke's behavior in this episode would sit on it. And I'm not just talking about the T&A. Taisuke drools over ever single woman in ever single swimsuit he sees, acting like he's never seen any part of basic female anatomy in his entire life (which we should all know by now is a DAMNABLE LIE in the School Days 'verse), constantly making lewd comments on their legs and chest, and, as can be seen below, comments like "I bet she looks great without her clothes off". And if you aren't sickened enough already, the camera is happy to aid ever angle it can, zooming in on every dripping-wet ass, breast, and leg, even including some uncomfortably shaded crotch shots. And to top it off, I kid you not, there are close up sound effects enacted with each sot, including a cymbal crash, boinging sound effects, and in English, a very loud and eager "Oh yeah!".
Demeaning to women? Well, duh. But what really gets me tied in a knot is just how insulting this is to the guys. That sound you hear is me slamming the soapbox on the ground. So either bear with me or skip these next few paragraphs.
This show has demeaned male sexuality, for all it's complexity, difference in personal tastes, gravitation from societies standards of female beauty, and yes, intelligence and emotion, into a generic, oversimplified, brutish and proud of it I-want-me-some-boobs-and-butts. And what's more, the (presumably male) audience is dragged into it, whether they want to or not, thinking that the only way that anyone is going to keep their attention is if they only get as many alluring shots of women as possible. It drags the viewer into a vapid, shallow, and generally stupid clique it may or may not want to be a part of.
Finally, and by far most irritatingly, Taisuke's entire character revolves around that, and has no outside motivations or desires or emotional complexity or even basic personality traits before the acquisition of as many sights of female bodies devoid of anything but base sexuality. If a woman was portrayed as concerned with nothing but having sex with a guy and devoid of any other point of interest, the internet would be breaking it's collective cap locks before you could raise one eyebrow. But if you're a male, as the show sees, this is not only normal and healthy, it's standardized for the characters. And it has the gall to imply that the males in the audience are the exact same way.
So between Taisuke, the camera, and the general feel of the episode itself, I'm proudly making an exception to my own rule and giving all of you place on the Fool Meter.
Fool Meter: 45
Because you've earned it, friends. You've earned it.
Yeah, and as if this wasn't enough to make your jugular explode like a popcorn kernel, Taisuke is gracious enough to be wearing a bright red speedo with intense detail given to every curve of the goodies behind it. Now at the sight of this, some of you may be saying "see Stype? There isn't a double standard here! You've got your dude wearing bikini panties, so what's the problem?" Well friends, there are still a few troubles here:
A) You have one scantily clad dude comparing to the appearance of four scantily clad women, while the other dude is wearing a respectable pair of swim trunks. And this is including all of the background characters, which seem to consist entirely of women's legs and asses.
B) A couple satirical shots of a man in a G-string does not an undoing of all the blatant and gratuitous fanservicexism make.
C) Why the hell would I or anyone else want to see Taisuke in a candy-red jockstrap?
Oh Christ Almighty. The plot. So yeah, Makoto's here too, but in another breach of character, he not only waves away oggling at girlparts with his bro, but he's actually pretty pensive about his current romantic conundrum. He's already expressed that there's tension and miscommunication in his relationship with Kotonoha, and has all but hooked up with Sekai, which admitedly would leave any guy in a bit of a pickle. Well, in the real world anyway. Keep in mind that this is School Days, so the entire conflict basically boils down two "one has giant boobs, but the other one will probably put out! WHICH ONE DO I PICK?!"
Also, I think this is supposed to be the character development episode for Kotonoha's breasts, just by how predominate they are in the narrative. I think they get directly referenced and have as much screen time as she does. Well, following that logic, I guess everyone's genitalia is the star of the show in this episode. Well...following that logic, I can probably drop "in this episode".
Kotonoha's jugs are so massive and epic and whoa how critical to her character that it automatically throws Sekai into a pit of self-esteem issues. Because the sum of a woman's beauty and worth basically revolves around the mass of your mammaries. But again, when your engages in a sex appeal arms war with your best friend for the hand of a guy with about as much charm and likability of a box of Kleenex (whom your best friend is dating in case you've forgotten), then you need every edge possible! Being a cute anime girl with a generically flawless body who can fit into a halter-top bikini is JUST NOT GOOD ENOUGH.
Fool Meter: 46
Setsuna decides to be even more freaking scary than she usually is, thanks to succumbing to this show's bizarre sexuality PMS. She quickly rushes to the aid of her best friend in, um, I really hope this isn't supposed to be a touching scene (THAT IS A UNFORTUNATE PUN).
She decides to help aid her breast problem by...shoving a pair of...inflatable...pad things, and pumping them right in front of her face. If you hear that high pitched whine, its the sound of a very small, very disgusting niche audience breaking out a toast.
Fool Meter: 47
Also, she apparently got them from Nanami, the sporty tomboy that she and Sekai sometimes have lunch with. Which just raises even more terrible questions (and probably calls for another shrill, joyful whine). Okay, sure Sekai refuses, and sure Setsuna insists that she's just fine the way she is.
I really hope you understand why I couldn't bring myself to write this review for four months.
After the opening credits role, and by the time we've had enough mental cleansing to get that scene out of our mind, we have a flashback to how we got to this point. So Makoto continues to angst over getting to go on a date with his girlfriend. Wait, did we have a flashback within a flashback? Whoa, that's a mega mind screw! So not only is the show assuming that everyone in the audience is a sexual deviant, it's also assuming that they're chronic amnesics. Or people who just can't handle a linear plot without breasts. Come to think of it, I think this may be the only shot in the entire episode where Kotonoha's face is the focal point and her breasts are distinctly off camera.
Also, while this fansub is far better than the ones I've had to work with before, it still has some noticeable holes. I'm really starting to wonder how much of this I should be blaming on the translators, and how much of it is that this show really is just that stinking badly written.
Sekai shows up and points out that Makoto isn't looking too well, forgeting that his face is just like that. But anyway, she points out that she recognizes the ticket to the pool that Makoto has for his date. Oooh, so this is to explain how she and the other girls and Taisuke crashed the date that they had together.
She then asks if he got the ticket form Hikari. Wait, whoa, the pigtail chick? Wait, she's going to be in this episode? Now that you mention it, I did see her earlier, but maybe that was just a coincidence. I mean, she's randomly all over the place anyway, and is just a glorified background character, so there's absolutely no reason that the plot needs to bring her-
AW HELL.
And Makoto, I'm sure I've said this before, but just because you actually have a girl give you the time of day instead of shoving your hacksawed head into the toilet indiscriminantly, it doesn't mean that she want's to go sheet surfing with you. That's not until, like, at least four or so more episodes.
Fool Meter: 48
It turns out the reason Hikari is offering Makoto a ticket is because she wants him to be a part of the group of friends she's inviting, and she wants him to invite Taisuke along too, so it won't look like a date to invite him along to the pool. On the exact same day he has a date with Kotonoha. What are the freaking odds. And Sekai will be there too! Which is how they all got together.
But what cracks me up is that Sekai treats Makoto like an idiot for wondering "dude, why the hell would you want to bring Taisuke along?" Damn man, I'm as confused as to why Hikari would even want to be seen with that bag of fail as much as he is. Romantic tastes aside, how come she isn't just asking him? She's a girl, she's got a female body, so the numbers are in her favor that he'd say yes instantly no matter what. Whether or not she will regret it is another story entirely, but there's no need for any of this elaborate planning to get closer to him to win his love. Penis. Whatever he has.
Fool Meter: 49
And now Taisuke is racking up fool meter points completely inadvertently. That's creepy.
So Makoto is glad that his girlfriend isn't around so he doesn't have to deal with doing things like communicating or holding hands or other romantic bullcrap. Good on him. Meanwhile, Taisuke is weeping with joy at the thought that he'll get to see Kotonoha in a swimsuit
Normally I'd bitch at the fact that Makoto isn't even raising a hand to her defense in not to be treated like some sex object (the fact that they're dating aside), but I'm just too busy steeped in my amusement of how utterly revolted Makoto is at Taisuke's behavior. Dude, Makoto thinks you're scum. Damn. How do you deal with yourself?
Fool Meter: 50
Fool Meter: Celebrating the big five-o with MAX ASS
So the Cullens girls finally show up, wearing an assortment of girly bikinis. By pure coincidence, the amount of skin shown by each girl is directly proportional to the size of their breasts, leading Kotonoha to be wearing a massively out-of-character string bikini when she's worn nothing but long-sleeved shirts and skirts down to her ankles before this point. Despite seeing a cornucopia of girly sexy bits before, Taisuke proceeds to drool and surpress the biggest boner of his life, while Makoto looks at the guy wondering if he's for real. That may be the only train of thought that he and I will ever share over the course of this series, and I'll cheerfully brush my teeth with a soldering iron if I ever run into a second.
So we begin this episode's batch of Makoto melding his personality as the story demands. He apologizes to Kotonoha for consistently aligning himself with the least entertaining people from the Rudimentary School for Gifted Buffoons. Kotonoha takes the fact that her private date has been shat upon quite sportingly, saying that these things are much more fun in a group, and she can still enjoy her time with Makoto.
Clearly she has a dangerous personality. I can understand why Makoto quakes in his boots at the thought of being alone with her.
Kotonoha's so happy, in fact, that she casually takes Makoto's hand in front of everyone, which very much like being invited over to their house, is pretty much anime body language for "WE HAVE BEEN DOING IT LIKE RABBITS FRESH OUT OF A TAILGATE PARTY FOR HOURS ON END NOT CARING WHO SEES AND WHO DOESN'T". So naturally Taisuke is utterly horrified that someone has deflowered Kotonoha's hand before he has. Makoto desperately tries to assure him that he just promised to teach her how to swim (off screen I guess) and
MAX AAAAAAH OH JESUS CHRIST PUT THAT THING AWAY MAN
I do not even care that Sekai is impossibly off balance. Divine Justice has been delivered. Praise the Lord Almighty. Amen.
So after Sekai roundhouses him, his ensuing concussion proves ample rebound opportunity for Donuthead Girlcrush. Upon the glare of the camera, Kotonoha's breasts once again swell from "Mary Moo Cow" to "Sports Equipment", and Taisuke accepts Girlcrush's advances without a second thought. So they go off to have their pointless subplot. And everyone wins.
AND WE HAVE THIS DANGLING IN FRONT OF THE CAMERA FOR ABOUT FIVE SECONDS GOD NO I HATE TAISUKE I HATE TAISUKE I HATE TAISUKE I HATE HIM SO MUCH
There is absolute no way to say anything like this in reference to School Days without sounding like an absolute creeper, but I like Kotonoha's ponytail. Granted, everyone here has the exact same face so you could slap it on Makoto and it would have the same effect, but I still think it looks really nice.
Anyway, Kotonoha insists that, because she loves him (poor, silly bitch) she wants Makoto to teach her instead of the competent and occasionally brain functional Sekai. I'm sure you can figure out what the camera was preoccupied with as she flailed through the water and gasped out every time she came up for air. Though I think I may be getting used to the T&A, because some of these screens are absolutely hilarious. I dearly wish I could give you an animated GIF, but I have too much dignity to show you a shot of Kotonoha's breasts floating in water that not only look like they're being weighed down by ball bearings, but are Velcro'd together to keep the cleavage.
And my software isn't working.
Fool Meter: 51
Note that this all takes place underwater, and the story can't have Makoto not being involved in Kotonoha's boobs in this very special episode. So, suddenly, Kotonoha is standing up (even though she was swiming), trips on the bottom of the pool floor (okay, I'll bite), somehow manages to stagger forward in the pool, and her airbags deploy. And for some strange reason, Makoto is suddenly proud to have her for a girlfriend, and publicly embraces her. Such a noble soul.
Fool Meter: 52
So while Kotonoha is grateful to have any sort of comfort contact with her boyfriend who is currently making as many strives as possible to not talk or see her, Makoto proceeds to shift to the persona of that of someone from personal ads on Craigslist from the Philadelphia area. And apparently develops a sudden fondness for having a woman's breasts clamped onto his sternum. I, frankly, fail to see the appeal either on the hydro clamped or hydro clamping end, and I'm guessing I'm not alone due to the fact that the pool previously teeming with teenage girls in bikinis has suddenly emptied.
...or maybe it's because of this. Yeah. Gotcha, that's, say, two AM tomorrow staring gaping eyed horror at my cieling, Miss Saionji, thank you.
The show is then nice enough to break up the hilarious antics of the gargling numbnuts with that of the slobbering assbags. It basically revolves around some sort of reconciliation of the sexes or whatever, girl talks about how girls behave, guy talks about how guys behave, and nothing gets accomplished. Think of a pre-K level philosophy course taught by John Norman with the subject being "Girls have cooties, Y/N?"
A surprisingly accurate overall summary of the show, now that I ponder it.
So now it's back to a more aggressive sort of idiocy. Sekai returns to be exceptionally pink and clog the already abysmal mass communications between the characters with as many mixed messages as possible. I'm willing to peg Sekai's as one of the most consistent in the series, but it still doesn't grind my gears any less when her cutsie "confused and impulsive teenage girl" include passive aggressively reminding Makoto that he's jammed his fingers down her bra. You know, like any good and supportive friend would do. And even though Makoto's motivations are as romantically wholesome as those who jerk off to Elfen Lied, something about bringing this into intimate moments between any couple just to draw attention to yourself really rubs me the wrong way.
I. I shouldn't have used the term "rub the wrong way" in the context of this show.
Fool Meter: 53
And then Sekai and Makoto decide to swap each others personalities, as Sekai becomes someone who needs to tell Makoto to butt out of the business of anyone else's southern hemisphere, while Makoto grabs himself a handful of choch.
Fool Meter: 54
Man, I can't believe that I ever thought Makoto was being sexually reasonable at the start of this review. To think I missing out on that delightfully charming sexual harassment and the deviously underhanded pursuit of another woman publicly and shamelessly while not having the scrotum to so much as be around his girlfriend who has shown to be at least fairly reasonably minded and willing to talk about any sort of issues with the relationship they have. This show zigzags in thematics and points more than the previous sentence.
Then we get into our classic little anime routine of sexually demeaning insecure teenage girls by catcalling certain parts of their bodies when they're otherwise flawlessly and generically beautiful while they verbally abuse and call us idiots instead of getting out of there and calling the police. Some may complain that it presents not only the idea that it's okay to counter harassment with harassment and that when she says she hates it when you do that she actually likes it, and that it just generally demeans a serious and often traumatizing issue for comedic effect. Thank goodness they approach it with liberal use of the narrative tools of blindsided stupidity and boring execution. Or else it would be tasteless and insufferable.
Fool Meter: 55
And by that I mean "Man, I sure wish my girlfriend would let me fondle her goodies in public scot free without crying and making me explain myself."
And now it's time to wash that human indignity down with a little homemade lunch and just a pinch more misogyny. Kotonoha now has the ability to make sandwiches with a notable absence of the green goop, mirroring Kotonoha's character development which we never get to see. And Taisuke, thrilled to tongue anything that has touched any females delicate digits, yammers half the basket into his mouth. Man, she's wearing a bikini AND she makes us sandwiches? You smell that friends? That is the smell of cultural progress.
Then we get a shot of Makoto, who either has the mother of all hickies from Sekai or the remnants of a brutal masacre. Kotonoha gives Makoto the benefit of the doubt, and wipes his face of like his momma, much to Makoto's chagrin. Normally I'd commend Kotonoha's bravery for managing to endure Makoto ground zero while I was bitching about him before we even saw him on screen. But these sorts of things make me wonder if this woman has her blinders on to the point of delirium. Or latent manic-depression.
Fool Meter: 56
And yet again the confederacy of dumbasses can't believe that Kotonoha and Makoto are dating, not at all helped by the fact that when it's brought up, Makoto's eyes quickly snap to Sekai with a look that's clearly contemplating whether or not to grab himself another slice of muffin. Kotonoha brightly answers them (poor woman), Taisuke has an emotional breakdown (approved), and after five episodes we finally crack the skulls of the cast that Makoto and Sekai aren't dating. Which will be instantly ruined by the end of the episode. Stay tuned!
Kotonoha continues to be completely giddy in a combination of finally receiving positive contact and announcing that she and Makoto are officially a couple. Fairly reasonable reactions, if a bit sudden, but for some reason, while Makoto couldn't get enough of her water balloons jammed into his nipples a few moments ago, it suddenly drives him to shock and disgust. Why? Better for drama. I guess. Though now I theorize the storyboard just fell off this issue and was frantically rearranged.
Pigtails encourages Sekai not to fall in love with gibbering perverts, Taisuke provides dramatic irony, yeah yeah yeah. We've seen this. Moving on.
I HATE YOU SCHOOL DAYS I HAAATE YOU I HAAAAAATE YOOOU I HAAAAAAAAAAATE YOOOOOOOU
Makoto's lust for his girlfriend long since fading away, his emotional absence (and the absence of about 62% of his personality) leaves enough of a void to crack the skulls of his previously oblivious friends. God, just as if Makoto thinks you're a jibbering mass of perv, if Taisuke manages to see through your barely-constructed facade over a gaping void of emotional apathy, you really are pretty damn hopeless in any aspect of live just by your dismal incompetence in theone.
Kotonoha mercy continues to march to oblivion, and the general pointless drama is even making me run out of snark steam. GOSH I WONDER WHERE THIS COULD POSSIBLY BE GOING.
Social contracts are always excellent central reasons to stay in a troubled relationship, so Sekai quickly insists that Makoto needs to stop following her tail. Admitedly, this is yet another good scene where we get to see some genuine confusion with relationship, and the trouble of using social concepts of relationships as a mask to hide yourself for facing responsibilities for your actions. Meanwhile, both parties (okay, a generous one party...a generous half a party...) struggle with their own impulses and feelings with some vague awareness that it may not be right or a good reason to end the relationship alone. Plus, you can sense the agony of what Sekai is going through, and is aware of the bigass mess she's made for herself. It's surprisingly compelling characterization, and about the only thing this show has done that I can stand.
And of course, it will be ruined by this time in the second half of the series. So this episode's fighting power is now complete with the ability to kick me in the nads retroactively.
Also, love the use of the term "sharpen up". She clearly means "penis thataway".
And we're damn proud of it, suckers.
So they all go home, we say goodbye to our whacky friends, and Makoto blows of Kotonoha again. Kotonoha briskly walks away, hides behind a pole, and whups, it turns out that her grim determination to give Makoto the benefit of the doubt is, in fact, a mask to hide her own insecurity and feelings of loss within her own relationship. The show makes sure to highlight this moment of agony and emotional fragility by giving us a hearty shot of Kotonoha's boobs through her modesty cardigan.
Wow, gosh, I don't know about you guys, but I was shocked when I learned this anime was adapted from a porn game.
So then Makoto, after girlfriend alienating and ass grabbing, has his little revelation that he likes Sekai. WHAT A SHOCKING TWIST. So he has his eyes hidden by shadows, a grimly determined yet cold half smile, people walking by in slow mo, and he starts hearing Sekai's disembodied voice telling him to piss off.
Makoto has now successfully graduated from fruity sex offender to serial killer.
Fool Meter: 57
Talk to your already confused girlfriend? Hell no! There's tail out there men! Make it yours!
Makoto then quickly hops the next train back to skankville, somehow managing to text with one hand and anime slow-mo chase up and down flights of stairs with the other. Meanwhile Sekai sits alone in the dark and angst at dramatic angles. You can tell that this is supposed to be the biggest mushy scene in this whole anime (really shouldn't use the term "mushy" lightly in this show either. My GOD all of these unintentionally horrible puns), because the animation team has poured in their excess funds to make an especially generic j-pop love song to put as the backdrop. The lyrics tastefully leave out the details of adultery and backstabbing, of course, which certainly helps the mood. Though if I were to make a suggestion, the whole romantic atmosphere would only increase if either of the couple actually had eyes on their faces.
Okay, that's much better show. Good on giving Sekai eyes. While you're still listening, this isn't going to be a good time to confess your love. Now go back, wait until Makoto has talked it out with Kotonoha, wait for an episode that isn't focused entirely around girls in bikinis and
NO. NO SCHOOLDAYS! NO! THAT'S BAD! THAT'S VERY BAD! Down! Sit! Siiiit!
Fool Meter: 58
I kind of like how these screens are one after the other. Their strangely hilarious to read back to back. "I LOVE YOU! KOTONOHA CAN SUCK A DICK! EXCEPT MINE! Well..."
Okay, good, so we're back to reality, where Sekai once again tells Makoto to back off, because the whole point of this from the start was that she got behind him because she knew that he liked Kotonoha. So breaking off his relationship with Kotonoha now would only throw Sekai into further turmoil. Good, now. Like I said. Let's all back off and wait for a different episode to
YOU DO NOT WANT YOUR TREAT AT ALL, DO YOU SCHOOL DAYS?
Fool Meter: 59
Great. Fabulous. We've evoked the "confession and kiss under the rain" clause. We all know what this means.
Fool Meter: 60
Yet another shocking twist for such a complex and well-written show!
Kokoro makes us feel uncomfortable, Makoto spurts cheesy porn lines, and we're now all just a little more ignorant than we were at the start of this episode. Needless to say, the only mercy this episode provides us is that it eventually stops.
So that's School Days Episode 5. What does the next episode have in store? How about all the cheap titillation with the bonus of CELL PHONE PRODUCT PLACEMENT? Get your brains thoroughly douched, keep the suicide hotlines handy, and stay tuned for another exciting episode of Fanbetch Reviews! Until next time, you beautiful people!
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Kokoro makes us feel uncomfortable, Makoto spurts cheesy porn lines, and we're now all just a little more ignorant than we were at the start of this episode. Needless to say, the only mercy this episode provides us is that it eventually stops. 
