Welcome, friends, Romans and self-flagellates, to the next episode of Fanbetch Reviews! Today, we review Episode Six of the treasured animated classic, School Days. The story has entered Act II of its arch, so for those of you who are just getting started, I offer you a brief summary of the events thus far:
1. A couple of characters like each other
2. Said character's start dating
3. A few other characters fart around about having hot teenage backstabbing sex
4. Swimsuits
5. Characters have hot teenage backstabbing sex
And now, for your viewing pleasure, Episode Six!
"I'm sure there's a perfectly good reason why my boyfriend, who genuinely loves and cherishes me, would not answer my calls for a week straight. As I'm sure there's a good reason for him to change his answering machine to say 'Sorry I can't come to the phone right now, I'm too busy GETTING ALL THE BITCHES'."
Fool Meter: 61
Damn, right off the bat.
From this point on, it's going to be pretty hard to judge School Days on the merits of its inferior plot, because I've found that as the episodes progress, the pacing of the show begins to grind. I guess the writers threw up there hands and said "Damn man! We made them have sex in episode five! And we've had our swimsuit episode! So now what?" As those who know me understand, I absolutely adore* filler and padding in any animation series so. Yes. It's going to be hard not to be redundant. And spit-facingly bitter.
So now that he's jumped Sekai's bones, he goes from angsting about how to get his loving girlfriend off his back to just straight-up forgetting her existence. Sekai, reasonably unable to believe that she's as pretty much spanked her dignity to death and watched the film version of Eragon on it's corpse, all while being grinded on by a complete idjit while wearing her skanksuit, throws herself into a massive denial. She justifies herself by insistence that Makoto is continuing "practicing" with her for his actual girlfriend. Like a true friend. Because anyone would want Kotonoha's first cop feel next to the dumpster behind McDonald's to be well rehearsed and free of any undesirable awkwardness.
Fool Meter: 62
Oh my god Jesus, I know I freak out every time I see Kokoro dressed up like she just came out of the maternity ward, but seeing her with a dress jacket and pleated miniskirt is like, fifteen thousand times worse. There has got to be some sort of age-appropriate outfit for this girl. Whatever really ambiguous age they're trying to portray.
I still can't believe she's thirteen. In one year she's going to be as old as the Evangelion cast-NO STYPE STOP.
Kotonoha is trying to employ the classic "the way to a man's heart is through his blood sugar level" strategy to rope Makoto back into serial monogamy. So she whips up a sweet treat for her cheating bastard beaux and her skanky best friend to share with her: a nice thermos of hot lemonade.
...hot lemonade?
Uh, anyway! Since Kokoro's job in life is to get up in Kotonoha's biznetch, she pesters her big sister to make her some too. And when Kotonoha offers to teach her how to make it herself, i.e. told her to get stuffed, Kokoro notes how annoying girls with boyfriends are because they act so confident. Self-assurance! Yet another sign that there's something terribly wrong with Kotonoha's relationship with the master assclown.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
And then we get into the whole mess of how Makoto and Sekai's personalities have had a radical switch with little provocation. Again. Since the two have both had sex, we've got a nice gender binary that we need to fit them into so as not to upset the apple cart or impede the ensuing predictable drama.
Now that Makoto has finally lost his candy-ass virginity, he transforms into a smug, self-centered douchebag. I mean like. More than usual. He's been as twitty and tail obsessed as he always was, but now he's been unfettered by everything holding him back, like caring for his partner, the fear of being beaten upside the head for grabbing a woman's ass in public, indecency laws, ec cetera. Note that this is the same guy who gained interest in women by reading dating advice out of a girly instruction manual and swishing to romance movies like a fruit cart.
Meanwhile, there's Sekai, who while being impulsive and conflicted at least had a degree of proactive sexual confidence. And it's understandable to feel guilty and regretful when, you know, you've screwed your best friend's boyfriend. But she goes through a complete loss of self sufficiency, to the point of psychological trauma (understandable with getting into Makoto's pants, but...). She turns into a listless, blushy, staring-through-the-blinds, hyper-feminized fragile flower who protests weakly against the advances of said douchebag male. Notice that this is the same girl who roundhoused a guy's face for wearing a scarlet g-string. One episode ago.
Stay tuned next episode when Sekai decides to emulate the mannerisms of James Joyce in his later life and Makoto gains a penchant for European weasel breeding.
Jesus, look at Makoto. He's so overcome by his sudden brush with sexuality that he's got those freaky hypnotized anime eyes! Compare that to how he looks in episode two. Which is like, maybe a week ago in real time.So yeah, Makoto can't walk two steps away from Sekai's apartment without wanting to throw up her skirt and hammering her right into the sidewalk. Sekai, being the modest slagbag she is, tells Makoto that it's going to look pretty suspicious if he up and mounts her public. In front of her house. One day after he's told everyone that he's dating Kotonoha. And not her.
Fool Meter: 63
Gosh, I am so glad these two hooked up. Their character dynamic is so fun and where on earth did these tears come from.
MAX ASSNO SERIOUSLY MAN IT WAS LIKE
SIXTEEN TIMES THE SIZE OF MY HAND I AM NOT KIDDING YOU
Sekai decides the best move is to force Makoto on a train with his girlfriend, a wise choice when communication between them is as functional as a 90's internet phone-chord connection. Makoto adamantly refuses to talk while Kotonoha goes on about her hot lemonade recipe and how it was something her Mom used to win her dad. So she's basically dropping the hint the size of a nuclear bomb that she thinks of Makoto in the same light as her parents see each other, i.e. for the long haul. Whatever your thoughts may be about your girlfriend talking about wedding plans after she's known you for about a month, it certainly takes the mental capacity of someone on this show to just stare vacantly out the window like an idiot through it.
Fool Meter: 64
And after a period of much waiting, we finally have a return of Kotonoha's vague facial expressions! Is she barring her soul, staring disappointedly into the distance, or just checking her reflection in the dingy subway glass reflection? You decide!
Seeing that Makoto is unmoved by her marriage proposal, Kotonoha, like a true member of any developed nation, wonders if the magic of consumerism can save her relationship. That, or she's distracted by perhaps the most terrifying rendition of Santa Claus in all of Japan. Goddamn man. I'm not always up to date on current events, but when was the recent celebration for the successful genetic splicing of a human, an American Bullfrog, and the 4chan image boards? Would you want to see that hideous, leering smile on a source of public transportation, let alone as a disembodied head over a bolded "you can still make it" and "ON ON"? If you do sir, then you don't need me to help you enjoy this show in the slightest.
But that's neither here nor there! He treats his actual adoring girlfriend like crap, but Makoto has another dedicated lady hanging off him! Surely if he chose her over the other one, even if they haven't finalized the deal, at least he treats her with a sense of tenderness and sensitivity, especially since she's very obviously troubled and insecure, right?
God, I don't even know why I try to make it a joke at this point.
Fool Meter: 65
And since Setsuna has yet to catch the chronic case of the stupids galloping through the school, she figures out that Sekai and Makoto are having a thing since Makoto would bray it in the hallway like a rooster with a shock-jock radio show. She then makes sure that Makoto isn't leading both Sekai and Kotonoha on, like a good friend. When Sekai lies that Makoto broke up with Kotonoha (which is completely non-suspect behavior when just one day earlier you announced in front of all your friends that you were dating), Setsuna gives them her blessings. Like a terrible, terrible friend.
WHAT. TELL MY GIRLFRIEND. WHEN MY PLAN TO IGNORE OUR CLOSE FRIEND AND JUST BANG YOU ON THE ROOFTOP FOR ALL TO SEE IS IN PERFECT MOTION.
WOMAN. JUST. WHAT NOW.
Fool Meter: 67
So Makoto is all like "wait what this came out of nowhere what why" and Sekai is all like "this isn't right and this is my best friend and don't you care about either of us at all" and Makoto's like "what you make it sound like its a bad thing".
Which begs the question of why Sekai even needs Makoto to go tell Kotonoha what's going on. She's got legs (creepily detailed ones), she's got a sound throat, so why doesn't she just march up to the roof and tell the truth herself? Unless she's just so broken and weepy that she needs to have an emotional crutch to drag everywhere to deal with the guilt of engaging her sexuality.
Take a good look at this ladies and gentlemen. This is the last time either character will be able to point out the obvious. And actually understand it.
OH MY GOD HOT LEMONADE LOOKS EVEN WORSE THAN IT SOUNDS
So these two sit around, looking collectively guilty about something, sitting closer to each other than either of them are to Kotonoha. Hmm, perhaps they have something to say? I mean, their shoulders are tied up in knots, they're clearly avoiding eye contact with anyone, including each other, and they're both acting like a couple of puppies that took a massive dump on Kotonoha's rug. And you know, they've been hanging out a lot with each other and similtaniously have been ignoring her. You think there could be a connection to all this? You think?
Jesus and that lemonade panel is out of context even within the animation, so your mind is automatically trying to string the nature of its origins and
shiva on a biscuit I am down to making urine jokes what is this show doing to me.
Kotonoha is incapable of connecting the dots when both are numbered and they're the only two things on the paper. In her defense, she notices that there's something eating these two, which is a level of perception not a lot of characters in this show can claim at this point, and she thinks it has something to do with the lemonade, a very valid worry. Some of you may be thinking that I'm being a little too nice to this brainless piece of housewife, but don't worry. Kotonoha's bus is revving up not too far down the street. Just let me enjoy her sympathetic characterization while I can.
We both know I don't have much time.
Don't think about that joke you made a few paragraphs ago don't think about it Stype don't think about that joke don't think about it don't think about it
Sekai, who dragged Makoto's fat ass up a whole flight of stairs to make him sing like a canary, is, of course, the first to keep the peace. She assures Kotonoha that her lemonade is delicious and I never screwed your boyfriend. And Makoto agrees, ticking down the seconds until the next time he gets to touch a boob. Another glorious two minutes wasted as the room full of monkeys continue to bang away on their typewriters to infinity until there's a string of coherent text that eventually resolves this plot.
Fool Meter: 68
Also, yet another arriagemay bomb dropped by Kotonoha. I could talk about how much it continues to stretch the suspension of disbelief on how people can kind of laugh this off--I mean, this girl is clearly dead serious in her intent, which if you have two brain cells to rub together, you should know is something that needs to be addressed in any relationship. But I'm too busy thinking of Kotonoha's mom winning the favor of her father with exotically mixed non-alcoholic lemonade. That just may be the whitest courtship ritual in history. I've seen more risqué For Better Or For Worse comics.
Arguement: S-Type's negative portrayal of Makoto's character is badly executed, because she does not hate his character per se, but merely the exaggerated stereotype of male sexuality and sensitivity that he embodies, thus most of her accusations are invalid.
Defense 1: Makoto was a character devoid of any independent characteristics besides this stereotype to begin with, making him a flawed character and a fair target
Defense 2: He is meant to appeal to and reinforce a damaging stereotype to both young men and women, and thus it is a social duty to call both this characterization and this intent out
Defense 3: I would slap the Virgin Mary in the face if she was douche enough to make up a sibling so she could bang the school skank in a Japanese Train Station
Fool Meter: 69
Sekai is feeling down because Makoto didn't tell Kotonoha that they've been having hot irresponsible teen sex (way to call the kettle black). Makoto insists that he'll tell her someday before he dies, don't worry. Sekai, unable to argue against such stirring logic, weakly but completely consensually we promise agrees to continue their blatantly public private affair.
Meanwhile, Kotonoha's really WASP-y seduction continues, as she decides to woo Makoto by displaying her peerless domestic ability. I'm amazed that this show can have two female characterizations so diametrically opposed and have an equal balance of sexist subtext. I think all of those romance novels that Kotonoha was reading in episode 4 are catching up to her. She must be reading some serious indie stuff, because what romance novel written after 1934 had the heroine doing something other than slipping into burlesque underwear to get her man? Let alone taking up knitting, ranked only after macaroni art as the most un-sexy arts and crafts in the universe? yes Teresa i have read stitch and bitch, thank you
Also, note the very realistic progression of characterization here. It's natural that Kotonoha would feel like she's in a position of freedom to express her romantic desires to her boyfriend. He's been so encouraging! He started this relationship by reading porn magazines and girly dating advice books. Midway, he was unable to speak two words to her. Toward the end, he wanted her to put out. And now he's just ignoring her entirely. I can see why she feels those warm and fuzzies just come right out.
So Sekai an Makoto continue their vaguely consensual, compassionless, sort of fatalistic, and generally stupid whirlwind romance. Makoto forces kisses on Sekai the instant they find an empty room, because that's sexy I guess. So sexy, that Makoto starts missing school. Yes, that's right. Makoto starts missing school for the sake of getting laid. That is not a mental disorder at all, no sir.
So we're now officially about halfway through the episode, and as such, are about halfway through the series. What to do, School Days? Surely your audience is getting bored of the redundant romance, the communication issues that could be solved in about two minutes but instead get dragged on for episodes at a time! Surely they actually want the plot to move somewhere! Surely they want these characters to actually have some characterization beyond who they sexed up or who they want to sex up! What are you going to do show? How are you going to up the ante?
BRING IN THE BITCH
Again, using the term "bitch" in regards to a female character is a bit of a tragic oxymoron but. You remember Otome, right? Because man, we really need a third party romantic candidate to add depth to this already complicated interpersonal aneurysm. At least she's very endearing, with her current characterization resume thus far consisting of bullying Kotonoha, the one character in this show who doesn't deserve it and, prepare yourself for this, having a passionate craving for the black and hollow tissue of Makoto's heart. Whoa. Plot=twisted.
And you know the really sad thing? By the end of the show, she's going to be the only likable character in the entire cast.
Yeah.
Welcome to the second half of School Days, bitches.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
I guess what School Days is trying to imply is that no one has the ability to think without the heavy utilization of flashbacks. So we need to get the blue-tinted memoryvision just for Kotonoha to realize that, inspired by pink homewrecker number two using her cell phone that...Makoto also has a cell phone.
But you know. Now that I think of it, one of the primary ways we think and make decisions is through utilizing our memories and trying to connect our current situation to past events from which to measure our progress. So actually, even though it looks visually stupid, School Days is actually making a visual version of stream of conscious NO STOP S-TYPE THIS ISN'T WORTH IT STOP IT.
Man, at this point, I'm wondering if School Days is some sort of backhanded cautionary tale against abstract thinking or something. On the one hand, I want to praise Setsuna for not only having the creative capacity to disbelieve Sekai, and think, huh. Sekai says the dickmongerer broke up with his girlfriend. Said ex-girlfriend is looking up Christmas presents for couples. Perhaps something is not right here. Especially considering my friend's hookup was rather sudden.
But why does she have to look so goddamn evil doing it? She's got red eyes for God's sake, and she's got the post-modern creepy child thing going on, and she has the half-face shot. Show, you do realize this can be solved pretty easily by just walking up and asking her what's going on, right? Willing souls to be sucked out through her celphone's flimsy wi-fi connection need not be a necessity here.
BUT BUT. Suddenly, a shocking twist occurs in the DumbXDumber ship when the two may actually spend an afternoon not having sex. Even though Makoto's clearly trying to talk Sekai into having some hard core shoe locker boning.
I guess this counts as a moment when Sekai proves that she still has the faintest sliver of a spine. Though I still think she's just that stinking blindly convinced that Makoto will spur-of-the-moment come clean on the virtue that he's stringing another girl on. Evidence? The artist decided to go with the effective and budget-efficient Jesus Christ where is that girl's eyes technique. Wait, scratch that. She just doesn't have any face at all.
Wow. Ew.
"Oh, hey there girlfriend who won't put out and doesn't exist. I don't feel like even breathing in your direction, being that you are the girlfriend who won't put out and doesn't exist. So while your self-esteem issues devour your mental stability from the inside out, I'll think about the bewbs of your best friend who will put out and does exist."
So I guess making Setsuna look like the freaking grim reaper isn't enough. This is DRAMA!!! betch. Let's make the poor teenager handing out flyers in a catgirl suit look like he's standing between Kotonoha and the gates to Kingdom Come.
My name is NEKOTAN-NYA, drag king of cartoon mascots:
Look on my works, Ye Mighty, and despair
Man, even in the midst of this show's forced drama, just seeing Kotonoha's ambiguous facial expressions continues to add a drop of sugar in the caking stew of my bitterness and loathing. Never has someone made a polite schoolgirl "no thank you choto" face look so threatening. Like, that's the face of a Norman Bates ripoff sawing a guys collar bone right out of his chest. And I love it.
Normally I'd say, yeah this is a good idea! A couple's discount is awesome, even if the two phones displayed look nothing like each other, making me wonder if it's the "closeted gay love affair" kind of couples discount. But otherwise, I'd totally get behind it. But this is Japan--ordinary male high school students will hook up with just about anything. I've seen mop-top brunette losers date everything from personified nuclear bombs to eltrosadomasochist space aliens to child soldiers forced to drive robots with their dead mom's souls in them to freaking psychopathic spoiled brat god beings in bunny suits. I wouldn't want a bunch of freaks like that running around in my store, no sir.
So we still haven't proved that Makoto's a total dick to his girlfriend yet, I guess. So he blows off obvious hint number three that his girlfriend gives a rat's ass about his sorry existence. And then Kotonoha falls down smack dab on her face. Actually, that's an understatement, because the animation team made it look like she got nailed by a lead pipe at the side of her head. And even that warrants nothing more than Makoto just looking on with a vague, almost amused, curosity.
Douchebag.
Fool Meter: 70
And Kotonoha, when Makoto finally decides to stop being a
Douchebag
and actually wonder if she hasn't broken any limbs, confesses her plan. And she blushes and stutters with the embarasment like a schoolgirl who really was planning to seduce him with burlesque underwear. Meanwhile, Makoto considers using one of the knitting needles to pick the wax out of his ears.
Yeah, scratch the previous "sliver of spine" theory. Since she's only spent one afternoon without Makoto, Sekai is thrown into a horrible depression, unable to do anything but lie miserably in bed. So depressed that Setsuna checks up on her for absolutely no good reason. So depressed that the animation budget sprung for some really cheap Microsoft Powerpoint corner gradients to slap over the still shots.
Oh, but don't worry. Her bedspread is still noticeably pink. Because she's a girl doncha know. If the fact that she can't function without the guy who's having sex with her around hasn't already tipped you off.
No no Taisuke, the question was "are there any other ideas?", not "can any of you give me a textbook example of grounds for expulsion and possible criminal proceedings?"
It's sad that Taisuke's delicious humiliation at the hands of a little girl is soured soured by can't unsee the candy red jockstrap that was once there
"Oh hello there close friend who won't put out and doesn't exist. You know, I had to spend all of yesterday picking the last of my brain out of my ears with a knitting needle, because some friend I know won't put out and doesn't exist. Chat me up later when you will put out and do exist."
Sekai, clearly emotionally damaged and psychologically vulnerable, mopes non-aggressively in a corner. Makoto won't give a damn about anything until it gives him a blow job. And I.
God.
I am sick of these clowns.
You know what? I'm done. I'm done with you both for the episode. Go slap your asses together all you want for the last four or so minutes. For the rest of the review, I'm going to focus on fun things. Like the first practical mating ritual in this school, explained by yet another bunch of shrill, unsympathetic harpies.
"You invite them to run headling into the fist. Like THIS."
So Otome begins to harass Kotonoha for doing her class rep duties. Again, how she's the class rep when she has zero leadership skills and, being a love interest, universally hated by her peers is beyond me, but eh, whatever. And Otome does this while framed between two headless profiles of perfect-bodied women. Which, taking the skuzzy tone of this show in mind, is actually a pretty badass way to present yourself. I mean, heck, the best Makoto could do was be introduced by a bunch of girly cherry blossoms.
Oh snap betch. You did not just knock the chastity of the designated wholesome love interest.
Yes, she can only defend herself when under pressure to defend her honor as someone sexually exclusive. Yes, she's still not given Makoto the good strangling he deserves. Yes, I'm freaked out that the animators felt the need to creepily shade her tongue. But you know what? This scene is awesome. After all the cheap drama, disgustingly simplistic sexual binaries, and general time wasting on nothing particularly important, it's nice to see the one normal character tell someone, anyone, to shut the hell up, cut the cheapass schoolcom bullcrap desperately trying to make us give a care about these salivating sextards, and actually do something usefull with the oxygen hanging around the atmosphere. Heck, she even gets her own theme-music power up mop the floor with Otome's sorry ass. And she's valliantly making attempt to avert yet another potential unwanted romantic subplot, something I can always, always get behind in this show.
So you know what? You win Kotonoha. Take a point off the Fool Meter and pat yourself on the back. You're going to need it when your character proceeds to get wrecked in the next episode.
Fool Meter: 69
Oh right. Kotonoha just stuck up to the school bully. Who has a crush on her worthless boyfriend. Who has her own bitch squad. Of which are currently cowering around her anime girl pout as if she suddenly started emitting a high-pitched, chainsaw-on-metal sort of screech without opening her mouth. And Kotonoha exists because this show needs a long-suffering Woobie to write hurt-comfort fics about.
Right. I forgot.
My mistake
I'll just.
I'll just sit here for a bit. I'll be fine. I just need to sit for a second.
"The little voice in my head was singing, 'Yeah baby, you found the right bait for this panther!'"
-Maggie Gale, Angel Food and Devil Dogs
Being the Steel Drum Man: Coming soon!
"'Posing Sodomite'? Oh don't even go there. For one thing, at least I don't boink girls without faces."
-Oscar Wilde, An Ideal Husband
"Man, it fills me with so much confidence in my future when I see two sophisticated adults sneak off to the roof to go and make some babies."
But yeah, Kotonoha can only resist the siren cry of forced emotional plot twists, and rushes off to the climax of the episode. Meanwhile, I totally love this shot of Otome and her girl bitches. Not only it's faux sinisterness, and the fact that their weirdly-stylized profiles make them look like a bunch of anthropomorphic vultures. But they're coordinated in such a way within those desks that I half-expect them to start breaking out into some sort of Disney-esc angry mob song.
"Alright, maybe I did once, but Flannery O'Connor had me on a dare."
-Oscar Wilde, A Woman of No Importance
"You were dead for twenty-five years before I was born, you extraneously verbose woofter."
-Flannery O'Connor, A Good Man is Hard to Find
I love how the animation team clearly broke their backs animated every last follicle on these characters's heads. So much that they could take the cell with Setsuna's troubled glance, doubting her best friend's assurance that Kotonoha's totally moved on, and say to themselves "oh yeah, they totally won't notice that her face looks like she has a dog's snout."
So Kotonoha has done all of the work her bitchy friends have piled on her, handed in her important official works, and is in such a good mood that she decides that she's head-over-heals in love with Makoto, and proceeds to bound of to tell him.
And you will not believe what happens just before she opens the door to the roof.
"Oh, come on. I've read my romance novels. Hilarious misunderstandings like this happen all the time. I'm sure that comment was totally out of context, and I only need to go out there and mention that-"
"Oh. Well. Damn."
Fool Meter: 70
So the animation team continues to put highlight shading on really awkward parts of the female body, Kotonoha's balls drop dramatically and bounce down the stairs, and we're all just a little more disinclined to believe in the sincerity of teenage relationships than we were at the episodes start. And for some reason, my gums are bleeding.
Stay tuned for the next episode, when our heros respond to this clearly dramatic and tense situation by dicking around. The twist? It's the school festival episode! A distinct lack of parental supervision is coming up on the next episode of Fanbetch Reviews! Until then, take care amigos.
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