Fanbetch Reviews: School Days, Episode 5

Alright, neither of us can run away from this any longer. Welcome back, you poor, brave fools, to another episode of Fanbetch Reviews! Even I hold reservations in tackling this episode. You would think that I would revel in reviewing this episode; this show is already the compact, distilled version of everything wrong with schoolyard anime, and in this episode, it has distilled everything bad about itself and extended it for about twenty one and a half minutes. So you would think I have hit the snark jackpot. And I have.

But oh, for a muse of fire! I am humbled, almost bewildered, by what this show has given me next. It will take every single ounce of my current skill, and indeed, probably summing up more from the depths of my developing mind, in order to truly express just how pugnaciously idiotic this episode is. But despite my initial putting off, and misgivings, and outright reluctance and premature feelings of defeat, I'm here. I'm taking this on.

And now, I proudly present to you the fifth installment of School Days. Now with MAX ASS.

Man, if you thought that Taisuke or the camera were anywhere close to insufferable before this point, then this episode is going to be the ten-ton anvil that broke the camel's back. I admittedly don't have a list of the most sexist things I've seen in media portrayals, but if I did, Taisuke's behavior in this episode would sit on it. And I'm not just talking about the T&A. Taisuke drools over ever single woman in ever single swimsuit he sees, acting like he's never seen any part of basic female anatomy in his entire life (which we should all know by now is a DAMNABLE LIE in the School Days 'verse), constantly making lewd comments on their legs and chest, and, as can be seen below, comments like "I bet she looks great without her clothes off". And if you aren't sickened enough already, the camera is happy to aid ever angle it can, zooming in on every dripping-wet ass, breast, and leg, even including some uncomfortably shaded crotch shots. And to top it off, I kid you not, there are close up sound effects enacted with each sot, including a cymbal crash, boinging sound effects, and in English, a very loud and eager "Oh yeah!".

Demeaning to women? Well, duh. But what really gets me tied in a knot is just how insulting this is to the guys. That sound you hear is me slamming the soapbox on the ground. So either bear with me or skip these next few paragraphs.

This show has demeaned male sexuality, for all it's complexity, difference in personal tastes, gravitation from societies standards of female beauty, and yes, intelligence and emotion, into a generic, oversimplified, brutish and proud of it I-want-me-some-boobs-and-butts. And what's more, the (presumably male) audience is dragged into it, whether they want to or not, thinking that the only way that anyone is going to keep their attention is if they only get as many alluring shots of women as possible. It drags the viewer into a vapid, shallow, and generally stupid clique it may or may not want to be a part of.

Finally, and by far most irritatingly, Taisuke's entire character revolves around that, and has no outside motivations or desires or emotional complexity or even basic personality traits before the acquisition of as many sights of female bodies devoid of anything but base sexuality. If a woman was portrayed as concerned with nothing but having sex with a guy and devoid of any other point of interest, the internet would be breaking it's collective cap locks before you could raise one eyebrow. But if you're a male, as the show sees, this is not only normal and healthy, it's standardized for the characters. And it has the gall to imply that the males in the audience are the exact same way.

So between Taisuke, the camera, and the general feel of the episode itself, I'm proudly making an exception to my own rule and giving all of you place on the Fool Meter.

Fool Meter: 45

Because you've earned it, friends. You've earned it.

Yeah, and as if this wasn't enough to make your jugular explode like a popcorn kernel, Taisuke is gracious enough to be wearing a bright red speedo with intense detail given to every curve of the goodies behind it. Now at the sight of this, some of you may be saying "see Stype? There isn't a double standard here! You've got your dude wearing bikini panties, so what's the problem?" Well friends, there are still a few troubles here:

A) You have one scantily clad dude comparing to the appearance of four scantily clad women, while the other dude is wearing a respectable pair of swim trunks. And this is including all of the background characters, which seem to consist entirely of women's legs and asses.

B) A couple satirical shots of a man in a G-string does not an undoing of all the blatant and gratuitous fanservicexism make.

C) Why the hell would I or anyone else want to see Taisuke in a candy-red jockstrap?

Oh Christ Almighty. The plot. So yeah, Makoto's here too, but in another breach of character, he not only waves away oggling at girlparts with his bro, but he's actually pretty pensive about his current romantic conundrum. He's already expressed that there's tension and miscommunication in his relationship with Kotonoha, and has all but hooked up with Sekai, which admitedly would leave any guy in a bit of a pickle. Well, in the real world anyway. Keep in mind that this is School Days, so the entire conflict basically boils down two "one has giant boobs, but the other one will probably put out! WHICH ONE DO I PICK?!"

Also, I think this is supposed to be the character development episode for Kotonoha's breasts, just by how predominate they are in the narrative. I think they get directly referenced and have as much screen time as she does. Well, following that logic, I guess everyone's genitalia is the star of the show in this episode. Well...following that logic, I can probably drop "in this episode".

Kotonoha's jugs are so massive and epic and whoa how critical to her character that it automatically throws Sekai into a pit of self-esteem issues. Because the sum of a woman's beauty and worth basically revolves around the mass of your mammaries. But again, when your engages in a sex appeal arms war with your best friend for the hand of a guy with about as much charm and likability of a box of Kleenex (whom your best friend is dating in case you've forgotten), then you need every edge possible! Being a cute anime girl with a generically flawless body who can fit into a halter-top bikini is JUST NOT GOOD ENOUGH.

Fool Meter: 46

Setsuna decides to be even more freaking scary than she usually is, thanks to succumbing to this show's bizarre sexuality PMS. She quickly rushes to the aid of her best friend in, um, I really hope this isn't supposed to be a touching scene (THAT IS A UNFORTUNATE PUN).

She decides to help aid her breast problem by...shoving a pair of...inflatable...pad things, and pumping them right in front of her face. If you hear that high pitched whine, its the sound of a very small, very disgusting niche audience breaking out a toast.

Fool Meter: 47

Also, she apparently got them from Nanami, the sporty tomboy that she and Sekai sometimes have lunch with. Which just raises even more terrible questions (and probably calls for another shrill, joyful whine). Okay, sure Sekai refuses, and sure Setsuna insists that she's just fine the way she is.

I really hope you understand why I couldn't bring myself to write this review for four months.

After the opening credits role, and by the time we've had enough mental cleansing to get that scene out of our mind, we have a flashback to how we got to this point. So Makoto continues to angst over getting to go on a date with his girlfriend. Wait, did we have a flashback within a flashback? Whoa, that's a mega mind screw! So not only is the show assuming that everyone in the audience is a sexual deviant, it's also assuming that they're chronic amnesics. Or people who just can't handle a linear plot without breasts. Come to think of it, I think this may be the only shot in the entire episode where Kotonoha's face is the focal point and her breasts are distinctly off camera.

Also, while this fansub is far better than the ones I've had to work with before, it still has some noticeable holes. I'm really starting to wonder how much of this I should be blaming on the translators, and how much of it is that this show really is just that stinking badly written.

Sekai shows up and points out that Makoto isn't looking too well, forgeting that his face is just like that. But anyway, she points out that she recognizes the ticket to the pool that Makoto has for his date. Oooh, so this is to explain how she and the other girls and Taisuke crashed the date that they had together.

She then asks if he got the ticket form Hikari. Wait, whoa, the pigtail chick? Wait, she's going to be in this episode? Now that you mention it, I did see her earlier, but maybe that was just a coincidence. I mean, she's randomly all over the place anyway, and is just a glorified background character, so there's absolutely no reason that the plot needs to bring her-

AW HELL.

And Makoto, I'm sure I've said this before, but just because you actually have a girl give you the time of day instead of shoving your hacksawed head into the toilet indiscriminantly, it doesn't mean that she want's to go sheet surfing with you. That's not until, like, at least four or so more episodes.

Fool Meter: 48

It turns out the reason Hikari is offering Makoto a ticket is because she wants him to be a part of the group of friends she's inviting, and she wants him to invite Taisuke along too, so it won't look like a date to invite him along to the pool. On the exact same day he has a date with Kotonoha. What are the freaking odds. And Sekai will be there too! Which is how they all got together.

But what cracks me up is that Sekai treats Makoto like an idiot for wondering "dude, why the hell would you want to bring Taisuke along?" Damn man, I'm as confused as to why Hikari would even want to be seen with that bag of fail as much as he is. Romantic tastes aside, how come she isn't just asking him? She's a girl, she's got a female body, so the numbers are in her favor that he'd say yes instantly no matter what. Whether or not she will regret it is another story entirely, but there's no need for any of this elaborate planning to get closer to him to win his love. Penis. Whatever he has.

Fool Meter: 49

And now Taisuke is racking up fool meter points completely inadvertently. That's creepy.

So Makoto is glad that his girlfriend isn't around so he doesn't have to deal with doing things like communicating or holding hands or other romantic bullcrap. Good on him. Meanwhile, Taisuke is weeping with joy at the thought that he'll get to see Kotonoha in a swimsuit

Normally I'd bitch at the fact that Makoto isn't even raising a hand to her defense in not to be treated like some sex object (the fact that they're dating aside), but I'm just too busy steeped in my amusement of how utterly revolted Makoto is at Taisuke's behavior. Dude, Makoto thinks you're scum. Damn. How do you deal with yourself?

Fool Meter: 50

Fool Meter: Celebrating the big five-o with MAX ASS

So the Cullens girls finally show up, wearing an assortment of girly bikinis. By pure coincidence, the amount of skin shown by each girl is directly proportional to the size of their breasts, leading Kotonoha to be wearing a massively out-of-character string bikini when she's worn nothing but long-sleeved shirts and skirts down to her ankles before this point. Despite seeing a cornucopia of girly sexy bits before, Taisuke proceeds to drool and surpress the biggest boner of his life, while Makoto looks at the guy wondering if he's for real. That may be the only train of thought that he and I will ever share over the course of this series, and I'll cheerfully brush my teeth with a soldering iron if I ever run into a second.

So we begin this episode's batch of Makoto melding his personality as the story demands. He apologizes to Kotonoha for consistently aligning himself with the least entertaining people from the Rudimentary School for Gifted Buffoons. Kotonoha takes the fact that her private date has been shat upon quite sportingly, saying that these things are much more fun in a group, and she can still enjoy her time with Makoto.

Clearly she has a dangerous personality. I can understand why Makoto quakes in his boots at the thought of being alone with her.

Kotonoha's so happy, in fact, that she casually takes Makoto's hand in front of everyone, which very much like being invited over to their house, is pretty much anime body language for "WE HAVE BEEN DOING IT LIKE RABBITS FRESH OUT OF A TAILGATE PARTY FOR HOURS ON END NOT CARING WHO SEES AND WHO DOESN'T". So naturally Taisuke is utterly horrified that someone has deflowered Kotonoha's hand before he has. Makoto desperately tries to assure him that he just promised to teach her how to swim (off screen I guess) and

MAX AAAAAAH OH JESUS CHRIST PUT THAT THING AWAY MAN

I do not even care that Sekai is impossibly off balance. Divine Justice has been delivered. Praise the Lord Almighty. Amen.

So after Sekai roundhouses him, his ensuing concussion proves ample rebound opportunity for Donuthead Girlcrush. Upon the glare of the camera, Kotonoha's breasts once again swell from "Mary Moo Cow" to "Sports Equipment", and Taisuke accepts Girlcrush's advances without a second thought. So they go off to have their pointless subplot. And everyone wins.

AND WE HAVE THIS DANGLING IN FRONT OF THE CAMERA FOR ABOUT FIVE SECONDS GOD NO I HATE TAISUKE I HATE TAISUKE I HATE TAISUKE I HATE HIM SO MUCH

There is absolute no way to say anything like this in reference to School Days without sounding like an absolute creeper, but I like Kotonoha's ponytail. Granted, everyone here has the exact same face so you could slap it on Makoto and it would have the same effect, but I still think it looks really nice.

Anyway, Kotonoha insists that, because she loves him (poor, silly bitch) she wants Makoto to teach her instead of the competent and occasionally brain functional Sekai. I'm sure you can figure out what the camera was preoccupied with as she flailed through the water and gasped out every time she came up for air. Though I think I may be getting used to the T&A, because some of these screens are absolutely hilarious. I dearly wish I could give you an animated GIF, but I have too much dignity to show you a shot of Kotonoha's breasts floating in water that not only look like they're being weighed down by ball bearings, but are Velcro'd together to keep the cleavage.

And my software isn't working.

Fool Meter: 51

Note that this all takes place underwater, and the story can't have Makoto not being involved in Kotonoha's boobs in this very special episode. So, suddenly, Kotonoha is standing up (even though she was swiming), trips on the bottom of the pool floor (okay, I'll bite), somehow manages to stagger forward in the pool, and her airbags deploy. And for some strange reason, Makoto is suddenly proud to have her for a girlfriend, and publicly embraces her. Such a noble soul.

Fool Meter: 52

So while Kotonoha is grateful to have any sort of comfort contact with her boyfriend who is currently making as many strives as possible to not talk or see her, Makoto proceeds to shift to the persona of that of someone from personal ads on Craigslist from the Philadelphia area. And apparently develops a sudden fondness for having a woman's breasts clamped onto his sternum. I, frankly, fail to see the appeal either on the hydro clamped or hydro clamping end, and I'm guessing I'm not alone due to the fact that the pool previously teeming with teenage girls in bikinis has suddenly emptied.

...or maybe it's because of this. Yeah. Gotcha, that's, say, two AM tomorrow staring gaping eyed horror at my cieling, Miss Saionji, thank you.

The show is then nice enough to break up the hilarious antics of the gargling numbnuts with that of the slobbering assbags. It basically revolves around some sort of reconciliation of the sexes or whatever, girl talks about how girls behave, guy talks about how guys behave, and nothing gets accomplished. Think of a pre-K level philosophy course taught by John Norman with the subject being "Girls have cooties, Y/N?"

A surprisingly accurate overall summary of the show, now that I ponder it.

So now it's back to a more aggressive sort of idiocy. Sekai returns to be exceptionally pink and clog the already abysmal mass communications between the characters with as many mixed messages as possible. I'm willing to peg Sekai's as one of the most consistent in the series, but it still doesn't grind my gears any less when her cutsie "confused and impulsive teenage girl" include passive aggressively reminding Makoto that he's jammed his fingers down her bra. You know, like any good and supportive friend would do. And even though Makoto's motivations are as romantically wholesome as those who jerk off to Elfen Lied, something about bringing this into intimate moments between any couple just to draw attention to yourself really rubs me the wrong way.

I. I shouldn't have used the term "rub the wrong way" in the context of this show.

Fool Meter: 53

And then Sekai and Makoto decide to swap each others personalities, as Sekai becomes someone who needs to tell Makoto to butt out of the business of anyone else's southern hemisphere, while Makoto grabs himself a handful of choch.

Fool Meter: 54

Man, I can't believe that I ever thought Makoto was being sexually reasonable at the start of this review. To think I missing out on that delightfully charming sexual harassment and the deviously underhanded pursuit of another woman publicly and shamelessly while not having the scrotum to so much as be around his girlfriend who has shown to be at least fairly reasonably minded and willing to talk about any sort of issues with the relationship they have. This show zigzags in thematics and points more than the previous sentence.

Then we get into our classic little anime routine of sexually demeaning insecure teenage girls by catcalling certain parts of their bodies when they're otherwise flawlessly and generically beautiful while they verbally abuse and call us idiots instead of getting out of there and calling the police. Some may complain that it presents not only the idea that it's okay to counter harassment with harassment and that when she says she hates it when you do that she actually likes it, and that it just generally demeans a serious and often traumatizing issue for comedic effect. Thank goodness they approach it with liberal use of the narrative tools of blindsided stupidity and boring execution. Or else it would be tasteless and insufferable.

Fool Meter: 55

And by that I mean "Man, I sure wish my girlfriend would let me fondle her goodies in public scot free without crying and making me explain myself."

And now it's time to wash that human indignity down with a little homemade lunch and just a pinch more misogyny. Kotonoha now has the ability to make sandwiches with a notable absence of the green goop, mirroring Kotonoha's character development which we never get to see. And Taisuke, thrilled to tongue anything that has touched any females delicate digits, yammers half the basket into his mouth. Man, she's wearing a bikini AND she makes us sandwiches? You smell that friends? That is the smell of cultural progress.

Then we get a shot of Makoto, who either has the mother of all hickies from Sekai or the remnants of a brutal masacre. Kotonoha gives Makoto the benefit of the doubt, and wipes his face of like his momma, much to Makoto's chagrin. Normally I'd commend Kotonoha's bravery for managing to endure Makoto ground zero while I was bitching about him before we even saw him on screen. But these sorts of things make me wonder if this woman has her blinders on to the point of delirium. Or latent manic-depression.

Fool Meter: 56

And yet again the confederacy of dumbasses can't believe that Kotonoha and Makoto are dating, not at all helped by the fact that when it's brought up, Makoto's eyes quickly snap to Sekai with a look that's clearly contemplating whether or not to grab himself another slice of muffin. Kotonoha brightly answers them (poor woman), Taisuke has an emotional breakdown (approved), and after five episodes we finally crack the skulls of the cast that Makoto and Sekai aren't dating. Which will be instantly ruined by the end of the episode. Stay tuned!

Kotonoha continues to be completely giddy in a combination of finally receiving positive contact and announcing that she and Makoto are officially a couple. Fairly reasonable reactions, if a bit sudden, but for some reason, while Makoto couldn't get enough of her water balloons jammed into his nipples a few moments ago, it suddenly drives him to shock and disgust. Why? Better for drama. I guess. Though now I theorize the storyboard just fell off this issue and was frantically rearranged.

Pigtails encourages Sekai not to fall in love with gibbering perverts, Taisuke provides dramatic irony, yeah yeah yeah. We've seen this. Moving on.

I HATE YOU SCHOOL DAYS I HAAATE YOU I HAAAAAATE YOOOU I HAAAAAAAAAAATE YOOOOOOOU

Makoto's lust for his girlfriend long since fading away, his emotional absence (and the absence of about 62% of his personality) leaves enough of a void to crack the skulls of his previously oblivious friends. God, just as if Makoto thinks you're a jibbering mass of perv, if Taisuke manages to see through your barely-constructed facade over a gaping void of emotional apathy, you really are pretty damn hopeless in any aspect of live just by your dismal incompetence in theone.

Kotonoha mercy continues to march to oblivion, and the general pointless drama is even making me run out of snark steam. GOSH I WONDER WHERE THIS COULD POSSIBLY BE GOING.

Social contracts are always excellent central reasons to stay in a troubled relationship, so Sekai quickly insists that Makoto needs to stop following her tail. Admitedly, this is yet another good scene where we get to see some genuine confusion with relationship, and the trouble of using social concepts of relationships as a mask to hide yourself for facing responsibilities for your actions. Meanwhile, both parties (okay, a generous one party...a generous half a party...) struggle with their own impulses and feelings with some vague awareness that it may not be right or a good reason to end the relationship alone. Plus, you can sense the agony of what Sekai is going through, and is aware of the bigass mess she's made for herself. It's surprisingly compelling characterization, and about the only thing this show has done that I can stand.

And of course, it will be ruined by this time in the second half of the series. So this episode's fighting power is now complete with the ability to kick me in the nads retroactively.

Also, love the use of the term "sharpen up". She clearly means "penis thataway".

And we're damn proud of it, suckers.

So they all go home, we say goodbye to our whacky friends, and Makoto blows of Kotonoha again. Kotonoha briskly walks away, hides behind a pole, and whups, it turns out that her grim determination to give Makoto the benefit of the doubt is, in fact, a mask to hide her own insecurity and feelings of loss within her own relationship. The show makes sure to highlight this moment of agony and emotional fragility by giving us a hearty shot of Kotonoha's boobs through her modesty cardigan.

Wow, gosh, I don't know about you guys, but I was shocked when I learned this anime was adapted from a porn game.

So then Makoto, after girlfriend alienating and ass grabbing, has his little revelation that he likes Sekai. WHAT A SHOCKING TWIST. So he has his eyes hidden by shadows, a grimly determined yet cold half smile, people walking by in slow mo, and he starts hearing Sekai's disembodied voice telling him to piss off.

Makoto has now successfully graduated from fruity sex offender to serial killer.

Fool Meter: 57

Talk to your already confused girlfriend? Hell no! There's tail out there men! Make it yours!

Makoto then quickly hops the next train back to skankville, somehow managing to text with one hand and anime slow-mo chase up and down flights of stairs with the other. Meanwhile Sekai sits alone in the dark and angst at dramatic angles. You can tell that this is supposed to be the biggest mushy scene in this whole anime (really shouldn't use the term "mushy" lightly in this show either. My GOD all of these unintentionally horrible puns), because the animation team has poured in their excess funds to make an especially generic j-pop love song to put as the backdrop. The lyrics tastefully leave out the details of adultery and backstabbing, of course, which certainly helps the mood. Though if I were to make a suggestion, the whole romantic atmosphere would only increase if either of the couple actually had eyes on their faces.

Okay, that's much better show. Good on giving Sekai eyes. While you're still listening, this isn't going to be a good time to confess your love. Now go back, wait until Makoto has talked it out with Kotonoha, wait for an episode that isn't focused entirely around girls in bikinis and

NO. NO SCHOOLDAYS! NO! THAT'S BAD! THAT'S VERY BAD! Down! Sit! Siiiit!

Fool Meter: 58

I kind of like how these screens are one after the other. Their strangely hilarious to read back to back. "I LOVE YOU! KOTONOHA CAN SUCK A DICK! EXCEPT MINE! Well..."

Okay, good, so we're back to reality, where Sekai once again tells Makoto to back off, because the whole point of this from the start was that she got behind him because she knew that he liked Kotonoha. So breaking off his relationship with Kotonoha now would only throw Sekai into further turmoil. Good, now. Like I said. Let's all back off and wait for a different episode to

YOU DO NOT WANT YOUR TREAT AT ALL, DO YOU SCHOOL DAYS?

Fool Meter: 59

Great. Fabulous. We've evoked the "confession and kiss under the rain" clause. We all know what this means.

Fool Meter: 60

Yet another shocking twist for such a complex and well-written show!

Kokoro makes us feel uncomfortable, Makoto spurts cheesy porn lines, and we're now all just a little more ignorant than we were at the start of this episode. Needless to say, the only mercy this episode provides us is that it eventually stops.

So that's School Days Episode 5. What does the next episode have in store? How about all the cheap titillation with the bonus of CELL PHONE PRODUCT PLACEMENT? Get your brains thoroughly douched, keep the suicide hotlines handy, and stay tuned for another exciting episode of Fanbetch Reviews! Until next time, you beautiful people!

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Episode 1 Review

Episode 2 Review

Episode 3 Review

Episode 4 Review

Episode 6 Review

First Twenty-ish Hours Playing Command Board. I mean Kingdom Hearts: Birth By Sleep

God, I freaking love the Command Board. It may just be my favorite mini-game in videogame history. Like, imagine Kingdom Hearts happened to meet Monopoly on the street, and offered Monopoly what it's been smoking since the early 2000's. Monopoly agrees, they chat for fifteen minutes and really hit it off, and before you know it, the Command Board is born.

Mmm. I love Monopoly. I love that feeling of getting Park Place and Boardwalk again, and use it as a cornerstone to snipe all that try to pass Go to bolster my already overindulgent pool of resources and throw the less fortunate to financial ruin. Ah yes. It's the feeling, rolled together with my secret love of numbers manipulation and leveling up your attacks in not-cheating-but-still-sneakily-underhanded ways to power up your stats. Nothing like doing level one missions with godlike attack sets. And this is rolled up in a package that has neither the six and a half hours of a good Monopoly game nor the frustrated restarting of stat manipulation. It's perfect. I love you Command Board. I really do.

Oh. Yeah. Kingdom Hearts: Birth By Sleep.

My review: Twenty or so hours in and this game is so mind-blowingly amazing I'm surprised my PSP didn't explode when I put the cartridge in.

There. Now can I play more Command Board now?

...

Arch. Fine.

Kingdom Hearts: Birth By Sleep for the PSP came out about a week ago, and long story short, I've been geekgasming over it ever since. I was honestly a little worried after 358/2 Days, which was by no means a bad game, but was more to satisfy canon whores and Organization 13 fanatics than a full entry of one of my favorite game series. So my expectations were mixed when I picked it (and the preorder stickers) up from Gamestop. I also had a mild panic attack when the opening cutscene of the game created the all-to-KH feeling of 'holy mother what in the heaven is going on here' (and this is coming form a champion mind screw fanatic, mind you). But before I could even think that all hope seemed lost, the game arrived, giving me a friendly pat on the shoulder. "I'm sorry for that brief emotional breakdown, Miss Type," it said. "Now allow me to present you with everything you with everything you adore about this series. Except more of it."

In fact, that's the impression that stands out with me the most about this game: a lot more than I thought. One of the selling points Kingdom Hearts is that it's a big, big, universe-spanning game. And after having a lot of noticeable limits on the handheld systems (looking at you Chain of Memories card system), I was surprised to find that I was playing a game that was large enough and strong enough to stand on the turf of it's big-boy console predecessors. Everything I've seen so far from BBS, from it's gameplay, to it's story, to the worlds themselves, to the MIGHTY COMMAND BOARD is large and rich. It feels not like your usual hand-held trinket, but a full chapter of the increasingly sprawling KH storyline. It's about time.

I'm impressed with how creative the dev team played with the cards they were dealt on the PSP. They went beyond just using the cartridge space to make a competent game, but they went so far as to streamline and fine-tune the game rather than cut out what the fans will miss the least. Granted, this is about twenty hours into the game, which would be probably only about 10 hours of the proper gameplay campaign total, so my views are still pretty much impressions so far. That being said, here's what I've gathered, and the reasons I haven't been on a regular eating schedule this week.

First of all comes the gameplay. I'd like to weigh in on a format that Square has been turning to lately that I approve of-scrapping MP. Magic Points were always something that bugged me when I was first getting into RPGs: the brawlers can hack and slash to their hearts' content without getting exhausted, but when the mages ran out of magic points, they're forced to do nil damage by smacking people with their magic wands? Lame. In Birth By Sleep, all spells, as well as special attack moves, are now "commands" that you can customize to an eight-slot deck (when it's maxed out, of course), and can be accessed at any time by pushing the triangle button. These commands will recharge after you use them, and until then, you can just bash away with the x-button. It's a surprisingly simple system, but very effective, and leaves a lot of room for fooling around and figuring out works best.

Additionally, new commands can be unlocked by mixing commands together, and in leau of not having a item synthesis system like the previous games, you can use gems to meld special skills to these commands to give your characters bonus effects, like stat enhancement, reduction of reload times, and bonus enemy drops. Even better, each command has a level, and once you max it out, you can keep the skill, even if you scrap the command for better ones. It's a system that integrates both character development and attack strategy, and a clever and fun one at that. And while it's confusing reading off paper, it's quick to master, and you'll soon be combo prepping like a pro (by the way, Terra with Blind-->Stopga-->Zero Gravity=PILE OF CORPSES). In fact, it wasn't until I started writing this review that I realized that item synthesis, summons, and even equipment outside of keyblades are nowhere to be seen. The system feels so well tailored that all of the previous seem like clunky remnants from an old-school era of gaming.

And yes sports fans, the fighting is still hilariously over the top. I admit, it's not quite as fantastic as the cinematic mastery of II, but that's like comparing fresh pie with ice cream on top to fresh pie with ice cream on top served by dinosaur Chuck Norris. On top of the commands, there's a standardized eye-candy bonus finish for every basic x-button combo, which can be leveled up and customized as time goes on, so you can take satisfaction in wasting your foes even when you're button mashing. Additionally, there's a bonus bar that fills up at the top of the screen, and based on the moves you preform, puts your character into a super-mode, giving them even more bonus damage into basic attacks and commands (while glowing, natch), with a super-special thematic finishing move that pretty much wipes the entire board.

And this is a standard battle mechanic. You don't need to run around beating a billion foes for drops to access it, like you did with the drive mode from II, and thus even grunt battles suddenly become nothing short of badassery for the sake of badassery overkill. Which as you know, is the best kind of kill. In a way, it almost makes the battles more interesting, because the excitement is pretty evenly spread across the board, instead of being confined only to boss battles like in the previous games.

Another thing I have to say to the dev team-thank you for not making the magic itself suck. As you can probably tell by the screens, there are actually three playable characters this time around. Terra (the angsty looking brunette with a man skirt and a shirt that's painted on), Ventus, AKA Ven (the jailbait), and Aqua (Princess Shoulder Blades). The story is more or less a three-way-split perspective between them (more on that later), and each has a very distinct battle strategy. While they all have access to base spells, each character specializes (i.e. can command synthesize) in only a few exclusive types of megaspells. Each character's spells match their moves, making for three very distinct battle styles. Terra is a typical brawler with everything but speed, so he's fit with darkness and earth spells. Ven is a character with fair attack and abysmal defense and HP, but with insane speed. So he's given light-but-powerful spells, like holy attacks and wind magic. And Aqua is pretty much midway with most stats and sub-par defense, and is pretty much your magical warrior.

A magic-based combatant honestly had me worried. Kingdom Hearts games of yore are very guilty of magic system abuse. You had three or for slots for easy access in the first two games, and one is already taken up by your healing magic. And if you wanted a more advanced spell, you had to access and scroll down a menu right in the middle of combat. In addition the damage was hardly worth the huge bites it took out of your annoying-to-refill MP bar. But thankfully, there's no more of this tomfoolery; if you've been doing your math, with the command system, you know have quick access to eight different kinds of spells that automatically reload after they're cast without wasting thirty seconds waiting for the MP bar to recharge or gathering enemy drops. So this translates to Aqua setting her foes on fire, followed by her max magnet spell, max thunder area spell, max bind spell to hold them together, and pummeling them with a standard attack, and then five seconds later getting to do it all over again.

Even better, one of the bonus character development included with command synthesis is "attack haste" and "magic haste", which makes the reload time near instantaneous. So once I got her rolling, what I thought was going to be the most frustrating character turned into a surprisingly unique and interesting fighting style, especially after years of KH beat 'em up button mashing. And for magic haters, imagine all of this, but with Terra's special mega attacks like Strike Raid and Sliding Dash, or Ven's hard and fast moves like Quick Blitz and Stun Strike. Between distinct character commands, the different base fighting styles, and the character development, there's a good balance of a sense of customization and uniqueness of each character you play.

And then there's the story. I have to admit, I'm still just getting into the meat of BBS's storyline. Though from what I can tell, the three-person system is an exceptionally clever way to approach the events of the game. As most of you know, the canon of Kingdom Hearts has been a little...ah, confusing as of late...

Okay, dude, so like, there's this kid. And he lives on an island with his friend and his girlfriend, but they're like, dude, this island sucks, we should go somewhere else. So they build a boat, and then like, these monsters attack, right? So this kid is like thrown into Disneyland, and he meets Leon and Aerith, who are like, dude, you gotta save the world from these monster things. And the kid's like what? And they're like, cuz you have this giant key that you can use as a sword, right? So then this kid goes to different Disney movies and kills all the monsters. They're called Heartless, and like, they eat people's hearts or something, because they represent the darkness or something like that. And when it eats your heart, you become a Heartless too. And there's this guy named Xemnas, who wants to turn everyone into a heartless, because then he can find this giant moon in the shape of a heart called Kingdom Hearts, because it'll fill the world with darkness or something.

But after they kill him, it turns out, um, no, the Heartless aren't things that don't have hearts, they actually are the hearts that got eaten, and the bodies that have no heart that get left behind are called Nobodies. And like, they can be monsters, but they can also be human and crap. And Xemnas wasn't Xemnas, he was actually a guy who wasn't Xemnas' Heartless. And his nobody is called Xeonhart. And like, he has twelve other nobodies that look like people, and they want the heartless to be destroyed so that they can go to Kingdom Hearts and get their hearts back, I guess. And they like, don't have emotions, but they can remember how to act, or something. And the kid's best friend also turns into Xemnas, except not, and then his girlfriend gets a keyblade, and they go and fight Pete and Sephiroth and stuff. And like, the kid and his girlfriend have nobodies too. But because she's a princess and he's the hero, they're good, while the others are bad. I think. And so they come together, and the kid is actually a Heartless.

Oh yeah, and the kid gets cloned like twice. And one time it was a girl. And his friend got cloned too. And his friend also wears a hula skirt. And Donal Duck casts magic.

And just by what little I've been non-spoilered so far, it looks like this installment is going to be no different in that regard. So no way are we going to be able to handle this installment without our brains exploding, right? Especially since it seems like it was designed to help us make sense of the chaotic mess which is the Kingdom Hearts canon.

As I mentioned, the story of BBS is basically the same story throughout, but it's told through the different viewpoints of the characters. It seems like a lame padding tactic when said out loud, but from what I've seen of the story so far, we need it. If you haven't guessed, I've decided to play a little bit of each character's story at the same time instead of finishing one before the next one, and I'm actually quite impressed how each character's role in the storyline is handled.

Terra's story (poor man) centers around discerning the KH cosmology, as he runs most frequently into such questions as what is light and darkness? What direct effect does one have on the other? If we need both, why do we struggle toward the light? What is our obligation to keep the balance? And so on and so forth. Ven's story follows the classic KH flair of making friends, exploring all the quirks of the world around him, and helping people who need help for the sake of being good. And he embraces his task with such raw enthusiasm and kindness that despite being set up to be the linchpin of the next batch of mind-screw insanity, one can't help but find him surprisingly charming rather than expectedly annoying. And finally, Aqua's story handles the actually canon events and heroics of the story, so much so that when one plays her story, one can't help but feel like she's the game's "true" protagonist. She's thus far been in charge of taking out not one, but all three main badguys of the three worlds I've thus played, and single-handedly took on one of the most dangerous recurring bosses. Awesome.

The cast itself is wonderful this time around, and once again, I'm really finding myself growing attached to a lot of the characters, no small thanks to the amazing vocal cast. Mark Hamill did a wonderful job with Master Eraqus, but Leonard Nimoy's portrayal of Master Xehanort absolutely blew me out of the water. Master Xehanort blends KH's traditional big, loud, in-your-face villain with it's traditional sharp, grizzled, wise-but-a-know-it-all mentor. It's a brilliant combination, and Nimoy nails it right on the head. Combined with a surprisingly classy design (dammit Square, stop designing jealousy-inducing impossibly cool coats) and his omnipresent evil slouch, he's quickly on the road to becoming my favorite villain of the series.

In fact, BBS has a lot of great villains this time around. I've seen preciously little of Vanitas (who's true identity got revealed surprisingly quickly in this installment), but from what I've seen, he's big, he's fun, and absolutely unapologetic. No complex motivations or sympathetic backstory or heartbreaking desire to regain memories or find his own identity or be good. Vanitas is just pain evil. And it's an evil that's so obnoxious and in your face that it crosses the line twice back into guiltily endearing. That and he's got a kickass battle theme.

Of course, our band of heroes is just as much of a treat. I was wondering how I was going to warm up to Ven, having the appearance of a this-can't-be-anything-but-plot-significant Roxas clone. However, he manages to stands out as his own character, and a very endearing one at that. He's perfected the aesthetic of cheer and optimism, even more so than Sora. And while Sora's burdened by the Shonen Hero dilemna of having motivations for his friends hindered by saving worlds, Ven's motivations are friendship alone, making him hit the theme harder and stronger than Sora did. Combined that with a still present reckless determination and a troubled but good-hearted attitude, he has a character execution that I find myself really enjoying.

Also, I'm happy to report that Aqua is easily the best written girl thus far in the series. Not only is she really strong and really competent, but she's been following an interestingly progressive writing style Square has been following lately-not making it an issue she's female. Really, the fact that she's a girl comes up very rarely in the game, and when it does, it's off-handed and generally irrelevant. And she's got an attitude that I really like-a knight in shining armor through and through. She's by no means spunky or rebellious, but if she sees something wrong, she fixes it by herself without question, and won't stop until the job's done. With recent mad love for anti-heroes, hot bloodedness, and deconstruction, seeing such a good-motivated maturity in it's purest form is oddly refreshing. She makes for a badass character in the non-traditional traditional way.

The only character I'm having a little trouble warming up to is Terra, who takes on a Riku-like role of needing to deal with the darkness within (especially compared to his goody-goody light filled friends), but lacking Riku's more sympathetic problems of personal ambitions hurting people you're close to, guilt, and dealing with the consequences of your actions. That and he thinks it's a good idea to seek the wise and honest counsel of Disney Villains. But the game is young, and his involvement with Master Xenohart and and Vanitas, he's still got time for interesting development.

Thus far, I only have a few small complaints in the game. The first, and biggest, is that while all the worlds are big and spacious, they tend to feel empty, with a lack of NPCs and activity. With woodlands and canyons, this isn't so bad, but when you go to the big damn Radiant Garden and don't see another soul around save for one lonely Moogle Shop, it creates a surprisingly eerie and disappointingly static environment. Also, while the graphics are generally top-notch, to the point where they can match the PS2's cutscenes, sometimes they do get a little rocky and slow down the system, most notably in Maleficent's Castle in the Enchanted Dominion. If I really wanted to be picky, I'd mention how sometimes the Unversed seem a little too nondescript for enemies, especially compared to the adorable Eldritch Abominations that were the Heartless and the creepy-cool Nobody designs. But at this point, I'm just being a bit of a fussbudget.

But all in all, Birth By Sleep is a wonderful game, and writing out this review only makes me want to go back and play it on my own. In fact, I just may go and do that. Once I'm done with class. And showering. And actually eating this week.

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_{Kingdom Hearts: Birth By Sleep is published and distributed by Disney Interactive and Square Enix. Image credit to IGN, Gamespot, and Kingdom Hearts Ultimania.}

"A Separate Peace" Review

"Beginning with a tiny incident among ordinary boys, it ends by being as deep and as big as evil itself."

_{-Aubrey Menen, on A Separate Peace}

I first read this book when I was a junior in high school, when I was the exact age as the story's protagonists. So I'm sure that you can understand that my initial impression of it was a generously sarcastic "meh". In my opinion, it was okay, and it was certainly gay enough to satisfy my bouts of snark and enjoyment in corrupting the high school required reading. But it was uneventful and filled with every war is bad/growing up is bad/corruption of innocence plot that any high school kid was forced to read a million times before. I was expecting to feel the samefeeling of being appeased but unmoved when I returned to it for my Adolescent Literature class. To my almost guilty surprise, I realized that I had overlooked perhaps the most heartbreakingly beautiful book I've ever read.

In my past's defense, John Knowles' A Separate Peace is written very deceptively like the cookie-cutter YA fiction we've hated since grade school. The story starts with a young man, Gene Forester, who meets a new friend, Phineas, whom everyone calls "Finny". Finny is an extraordinary person who everyone adores, but seems to adore the unremarkable, quiet bookworm Gene the most. The two have a spat, and then tragedy strikes. This is then followed by more understanding each other and their peers, followed by things looking up, followed by another tragedy, followed by things looking up again, followed by the final character death at the end that suddenly transforms our hero into a broken adult.

We've seen this before and then some, right? This is the kind of thing us English Majors beat up Newberry Authors for. Coupled with this, there's no real exciting changes of scenery, no shocking plot twists, and even the final death at the end is unceremonious to the point of being contrived. Naturally, the internet has flooded with complaints of all those who were forced to read it in high school, founded it aggressively unremarkable, and retain a sort of vindictive bitterness that it remains as popular and well spoken of to it's day. So how can I, the champion fanbetch, dare to write a positive review of it?

Because you need to be an adult to understand this book.

It's a tragic irony for a lot of adolescent literature. This is a book that's not written for teens, but rather an adult (quite strikingly) remembering what it was like to be a teenager. And he does it so well, and so eerily clearly, that any teacher would assume that any teenager who reads this will be able to understand as well. But that's not what Knowles wrote this story for.

This book is about war and peace, but not in the traditional sense provided to us by World War II, the obligatory history that looms in the story's background. This is the story of the war of adolescence, the war each one of us had to fight. Being a teenager is perhaps the most violent point of time and space I have ever been a part of. It's a savage battle between every single person that you ever run into. It is a war against your parents, your teachers, your classmates, those in positions of authority, the immediate and the never met, and even your dearest friends, yet it is a war that seems not to exist. And it is a war that ones only ally is oneself, an ally that one knows nothing about save that this ally absolutely abhors you.

Stranger still, this story is about peace, and how devastating it is for these adolescent soldiers to encounter. Gene's conflict arises not by his peaceful adolescence being shattered by war, but by his vague and perpetual war being shattered by peace. His ultimate crisis is coming to terms with the fact that with everyone (seemingly) against him, and he not being the strongest, fastest, bravest, or surest to survive, someone out there cherishes him anyway. Indeed, someone stronger, faster, braver, and surer to survive in the world cherishes him, a nonsense so mighty that it sends Gene's world spinning out of orbit.

It is an overwhelming battle, one no teenager is prepared for. What's more, we see it through the lens of Gene himself, both past and future. We don't hear it from the voice of a helpfully omniscient narrator who can explain it in simple terms for all to understand, but the poetry and warmth of an adult, as well as the fright and frustrating vagueness of the teen. Only when you can understand both can you love this book. If you've missed out on either, you won't get it, and you'll be tremendously bored for your efforts. But if you can read A Separate Peace with this mindset, expect a tale that's rich with subtle detail, wisdom, cruel and simple pain, and an ending that fills the reader with loss and fulfillment. What an average teenager would call an empty and uneventful story will become a story that you can't put down, not by virtue of the edge-of-your-seat adrenaline that any other view would expect, but in the way that only a short, beautiful story lurking in all our histories can provide.