Imagine everything wrong about dating sims combined with everything wrong about high school comedy, and then make it written by the most elaborate troll in history. Now imagine that troll thought anime fans were all heavily lobotomized, give that troll a very unhealthy fixation with women's breasts, legs, and buttocks, and bring it to write fresh out of watching the Star Wars prequels.There's something really cheep about taking shots at bad books, shows, and games, especially on the internet, but this is something that needs to be addressed. I consider it a PSA. The subject of this review is probably the most famous good-freaking-horrible anime in existence: School Days.
This twelve-episode anime is nothing short of concentrated ignorance. I swear that this show has made me stupider by watching it. It took me two weeks just to be able to form coherent thoughts again. And if you still don't understand how bad this anime is, it has the honor of being the most popular anime on YouTube. Just. Let that sink in a moment.
Speaking of trolls, our hero of this story is a high school nobody named Mako-AH OH MY GOD LOOK AT THOSE FACES IN THE BACKGROUND WHAT THE HELL
Sorry just had a THEY DO NOT HAVE EYES THAT IS JUST TERRIFYING anyway. Our "hero" of this story is named this bland yet still effeminate looking Makoto. Spoiler alert: this child will become nothing short of the heavyweight champion of asshats. I mean, even more so than harem comedy leads. I have never seen the portrayal of someone so naturally, inherently, and aggressively jerkalicious in my entire life. And I've watched the later seasons of House MD. As you can plainly see, he's a single brunette nerdy loser who's never been within ten feet of a girl in his entire life, so you can bet your ass that all the pretty young high school girls are going to want nothing more than take a romp in his girl shorts. Because sexually inexperienced, nerdy perverts drive the ladies wild in high school.
Surgeon General's Warning: Do not place School Days directly in front of any mirror or other reflective device.
Now we meet part two of the reason why everything is about to go wrong-Sekai Saionji. She's the other half cliche Japanese schoolgirl love interest-tough but indecisive, tomboyish but not so much it would mar her girlish cuteness, and the more she spews "baka", punches him, and insists she doesn't want to be with him, the more it means she's totally into him. By their powers combined, they form a singularity of 90% of everything that's wrong with high school romantic comedies.
I'd normally suggest such obvious cliches would prove to be a deconstruction of the genre, but this show is so but I am painfully reluctant to give that show any kind of credit. Not because of the existence or lack of creativity, coherent story telling, or effort put into characterization and development. Really, it's because the show annoys me that much. Yes, I am spitefully withholding an English Major view of this show. Anyone who knows me should be trembling in their boots right now. Welcome to School Days, bitches.
So the two bicker and pass notes back and forth like a bunch of middle school girls, and uh-oh, Sekai found out about Makoto's creepy cell phone photo. She asks if it's the recent cell phone love charm going around: if you take a cell phone picture of the one you have feelings for and nobody finds out, your love will be fulfilled (which sounds just ridiculous enough and sounding just enough like encouraging stalking to be popular). Makoto insists that Saionji needs to keep her googly animu eyes in her own business, but being the little spitfire/source of romantic conflict, she refuses and continues to pester him. And of course, they sit next to each other, which is basically the anime equivalent of destiny grading their spinal chords together with a soldering iron.
Then we meet Maktoto's dumbass friend, Taisuke. He fills the anime cliché of the hot blooded and overly sexed best friend. Following the tradition of any man in this role, he's so engrossed in Makoto's love and sex life that the only reasonable explanation is homoeroticism. This guy in particular gives off an uncomfortable aura similar to Brucie from Grand Theft Auto 4. Any character fitting this roll has the potential to either be the best or the most annoying character in the show. However, in order to really win over the audience's heart in a harem anime, the best friend needs to be boisterous and encouraging, but also humorous, relaxed, and with an odd sort of mature sophistication. And Taisuke is...yeah. No.
So Saionji takes Makoto to the roof since she has the keys to do so (giving a horny teenage girl the keys to the entire rooftop, yep, that's thinking ahead), and tells Makoto she's become BFFs with Kotonoha, and intends to help Makoto hook up with Kotonoha in any way she can. This also begins something I unintentionally love about this show: Kotonoha's ambiguous facial expressions. I don't know what it is about them, but trying to intemperate them is my favorite thing. This one's easy though-why dis woman shovin' her boobs in my boobs yo.
Makoto a complete buffoon, is so worried about his secret slipping that he shoves Saionji into the gate in the most brutish and suggestive way possible. I think this calls for the start of a meter to record how many brutish, unwarranted, cruel, and generally assholish moves will be preformed in this anime. I think I'll call it the Fool Meter.
Fool Meter: 1
I am willing to bet money that we'll crack 100 by the time this show is over. You think it's impossible with it just being twelve episodes but trust me. This is the most intelligent of the episodes. And I can already feel my brain starting to atrophy.
Saionji assures Makoto that she didn't tell anyone, and it's back to doing stupid anime things. And I'm seriously not kidding about the excessive number of boob, gam, and butt shots in this show-the ratio between them and seeing the character's face is about 1:1. I'm trying to be dignified and edit out as many as they can, but I swear, sometimes the story events make them completely unavoidable. I don't even know if that camera angle is physically possible.
Oh yeah, and the human being attached to those legs is Setsuna, the world's punishment for anyone who ever had a thing for preteen girls (even though she's the exact same age as everyone else in the class. Which makes the implications so much better). She's supposed to be straight up fanservice, I guess, but I can't help but look at her and be chilled to the bone. I mean look at those blood-red eyes. Look at those baby-killing bangs. Look at that hair ribbon which looks like it was one last, desperate attempt to make this girl look cute and not like she'd crush your conscious sanity just by thinking about it. And she's always just staring and never talking. Gyaaaaa.
Yes, Taisuke actually calls Makoto to frantically ask if he's having sex. Right at that moment. The hilarity of this on its own really deserves no comment, but I'm having a blast thinking up the possible situations that could have possibly made him want to ask that out of the blue. I mean, when does your train of thought ever meander to whether or not your friends are getting their jollies on right at that second, let alone be strong enough to want to call them up and ask them?
I'd slap a point on the Fool Meter for this, but I'm better than that. In my eyes, Taisuke is the Fool Meter.
We then get to see the master of information gathering Saionji is. She reports to Makoto that she likes to read (which he already figured out), she loves to eat noodles, and she has a big chest. I can't believe that's all she managed to get from a whole class talking to her and then a whole phone conversation that night. What were they doing the rest of the time, playing tic-tac-toe and "you hang up"? That's abysmal spy skills and communication skills. But the "big news" she manages to bring to Makoto is that they all are going to eat with each other on the roof. Makoto is fully aware that his charm and sex appeal is zero, so he's naturally terrified to meet Kotonoha. But since Sekai is the tomboyish and belligerent love interest, she drags him by the face all the way up to the roof. She insists that Kotonoha is interested in someone, but she doesn't really have a genuine crush, so Makoto needs to seize the day while he still can.
Kotonoha is very polite, and offers them homemade sammiches of which one of the primary ingredients seems to be strange, green goo. Which you would think would be your first sign to take them with a bit of caution, but neither Makoto nor Saionji see anything wrong with it in the slightest, and both of them take a huge honking bite out of it.
Fool Meter: 2
Sekai leaves so that Makoto can work his nonexistent magic, and many a stale, awkward anime conversation ensues. Kotonoha mentions that Makoto is different than she expected and…that's pretty much it. So I guess everyone on this show has abysmal conversation skills. I've seen some pretty forced couples in anime, but jeepers, this is just insane. These two have so little common ground I'm surprised one of them couldn't handle the other's gravitational field of awkward and imploded. But because Kotonoha either has the patience of a saint or the genre savvy of a concrete block, she actually seems to find Makoto endearing, or at least amusing.
So after lunch, Makoto decides to suddenly grow a spine and admit that he likes Kotonoha. This is a fairly significant plot development, as well as a pretty significant turn of events and how Makoto's character operates. But the cameraman seems to have other things on his mind, so he does a slow, sexy, full-body pan up Sekai's body when she's wearing nothing but a button-down shirt in her bed in a position that makes her look like she's in a Covergirl ad. Which is awesome, because I can make this collection of screenshots look completely out of context to what the show is actually about.
Take note: the ideal place to tell someone you like them is on a scummy platform in front of a moving train surrounded by subway perverts. While I don't believe the degrading stereotypes that geeky anime fans aren't exactly smooth operators, I can certainly see how that sentiment may have emerged.
After a few gratuitous boob and butt shots, Kotonoha talks to Sekai about what happened. She also tells Sekai (and get ready for a huge shock), the guy she mentioned that she was interested in turns out to be Makoto. Of course. Turns out she could feel that someone was watching her, and when she figured it out, instead of instantly pegging him as the neurotic, gutless, ugly little creeper he is, she falls for him. So even though they know nothing about each other, don't talk to each other, and most of their relationship is rooted in passive-aggressive stalking, they're now dating.
Fool Meter: 3
So Makoto's waiting on the train, and Sekai lauds how awesome it is that he and Kotonoha are together and how proud she is of them and blah blah blah. And Makoto thanks her, as did Kotonoha previously. So Sekai is pretty much the most respected friend that either of them have.
Fool Meter: 4
So with the shock and unpredictability of a cliche marching at you down a hill in broad daylight while leading a brass bands and banging a frying pan with a wooden spoon, Sekai takes the first opportunity she has to ruin absolutely everything. With her tongue. And don't worry sports fans, we get a good, long, hearty look at her panties through the whole event.
Welcome to School Days, bitches.
---ooo---
I'll admit that this show seems pretty bland and run-of-the-mill. It's like it's more of an elaborate essay into as many cheesy rom-com cliches we can cram into thirty minutes. Even I was rolling my eyes in the non-ironic way while screen capping and writing. But I assure you, it's hilarious badness expands exponentially as time goes on. I am not going to spoil it for you, but I promise all of you, you do not know what you're getting into. Hell, I don't know what I'm getting into. I'm not kidding about the brain atrophy. My retail grunt job is more intellectually fulfilling than this. Even just remembering what is about to happen is enough to cause a forced shut down.
On the next episode, we are presented every reason why the main couple should break up (they won't), why Sekai needs to actually talk about her conflict of interest (she won't), and Makoto getting his ass handed to him by a drunk. All this and more on the next episode of Fanbetch Reviews! Stay tuned, after I try to wash out my mind with warm soap and water.
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School Days and all associated media is developed and copyrighted by 0verflow, with the anime produced and copyrighted by TNK. All rights reserved. And they can damn well keep it.
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